Almost the End of December? in Hope, Love, Chaos & Anger

And what in the actual fuck? Because then its almost fucking Aquarius season, as soon as fucking Capricorn season gets out the fucking way. Yes, another milestone at 35. I didn’t think I’d make it past 30 honestly so I’m kinda flailing here when it comes to figuring out what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I don’t feel anxiety or pressure to be in a certain spot in my life, I don’t really measure myself to others standards. I think that this time around, with me being with my bf, and us having a baby I feel like it’s my “second chance” with my little boy. Yes, he and his sister, my middle child, have 15 years in between them so it’s kinda like a re-do for me. I’ll be stuck dead by a bolt of lightning, ran over twice and thrown in the river before I fuck it up with my son. My son, with the half of his dad in him and many generations of stubborn-ness ingrained in his little DNA. My first boy, also, and it’s pretty awesome to get to experience this with the one I do have.
I feel like that’s a whole other subject. Because, I’m still with the one I have been. Court was actually well, as well as it could have. The judge was even nice, like said nice things and I was surprised. This time around, my next court date coming in the next year, I will be able to show up like with no shame. Each time, I have less and less anxiety about going. Anyway, lets move away from that subject, being that its Christmas and all. I am perfectly happy spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just how I spent Thanksgiving.
I might not have a lot in terms of material possessions, but what I do have is a good relationship, or at least one where I’m not being beat on, beat down mentally, called names, basically treated like shit all the way around; which is why when I do feel the need to bring something to his attention, or bitch, whatever you wanna call it. I feel so fucking guilty for doing so. For real. I mean on top of everything I just said, he puts in a decent amount of effort into being a part of the relationship team, ie he brings in money, smokes, necessities or runs to get them just as much as I do. It’s a good balance. Plus, he actually ain’t super inconsiderate of everyone around him including me and doesn’t expect me to clean up after him like his mom did. He’s also not doing some serious time and making my life hell by lying to me about what’s really happening to him, etc. The things that I have to complain about I feel are important because they are MY feelings, MY needs and MY desires/wants and they should be paid attention to just like his. That and the serious matter of the total and absolute lack of ANY sort of physical contact including sex. Yes, this situation sounds familiar doesn’t it?
That and I’ve gotten to the point where I hardly argue or bring up my feelings about this scenario, because I feel like I’ve said them so many times and we had so many aruguments about it, and because at the end of each time he always says he knows what it’s about. NO, its not just about sex and YES I do understand that the honeymoon phase isn’t going to last forever, but to have almost no, none whatsoever of any kind of physical contact, to the point where when I do give him hugs against his will, he still pushes me away and stops whatever hug or physical contact at some point. I mean, for real, it’s not like this was stopping us from reaching our goals or impeding us in anyway to hug or whatever for that little bit of time. so why put a time limit on this? These things are starting to add up and I can do math. That, and I might be naiive, but I’m not oblivious. I can see where I’m not wanted.