Invisible in Days of My Destiny

6am and I've woken up with the same heavy feeling in my heart that I had yesterday.

The thing about being back is that I feel invisible.

It started the moment L's parents arrived at the airport to greet him and the girls - I mean "us".

They never really want to know what I'm up to or what I think or what I have to say. And over time, slowly slowly, it has begun to show more and more.

The night we got back, we stayed at mum's. Mum was all wrapped up in dad and that's fine (in a weird way), and then she went to bed because she was as exhausted as the rest of us. Then we all had a cup of tea with dad and gave him the souvenirs we bought him, which he liked very much. He had tears in his eyes as he thanked us.

The next morning we wanted to get away by 10am at the latest because we had to pick up the dog at L's parents' and then we figured by the time we had a cup of tea there, we wouldn't actually get home until about 9pm and I didn't want to get home any later than that. My mum mentioned that my brother and his wife were going to drop in at some point that day, so I messaged him and he made sure he came earlier so that they could see us. We ended up leaving mum's by about midday and made our way to L's parents'. She made us lunch and a cup of tea. The whole time, she directed her gaze at L and the girls. I think she glanced over at me once, in the whole two hours we were there. She kept talking only to L and even saying his name and only his name in her sentences. I made an effort and joined in the conversation enthusiastically but it was no use, really. That was the moment that the word "invisible" came into mind. It didn't help that while there, M became a real little pain regarding Chile. When we were talking about the World Cup and how Chile won against Spain, she said in this annoyed tone, "I don't know WHY everyone was on the streets.... it's ONLY a soccer game!" and then later on she ACTUALLY asked me to stop talking to her in Spanish! "Okay mum, can you stop talking to me in Spanish now????" I pretended not to hear her as I was walking towards the bathroom and she followed me to ask me again. I told her that if she doesn't want me to talk to her in Spanish then I'm sorry but I may not be able to talk to her at all. (Lol what a harsh response but too bad, that's what you get when you want to be a pain in front of grandma.)

We are in this town now. I was invited at last minute to a girl's 5th birthday which was held yesterday. I said I wasn't sure if I'd go and that it'd depend on how exhausted the girls and I were. I tidied up the house all day and played my music and felt pretty "meh". I decided I'd make an effort to go as I needed to get out of the house and change my frame of mind. I got a hug from Kim and Janet. Tracy gave me a hug because it was the polite thing to do. I got a tight and long hug from Helen. (I actually let go before she did and then I realised she wasn't letting me go so I kept hugging her lol.)

People asked me how it was. They asked me what my favourite part was. They asked me what the best thing was. And yet, every single time I started answering, they interrupted with their own version of what my answer might be. Or they interrupted with "where is (my kid)?". Or they walked away, "busying" themselves with their children. It's like dude, we are at a birthday.party. At the PARK. Nobody's going ANYWHERE. You know? Nobody listens! Kim actually has a toddler who is a runner, and when he runs, he RUNS. I've seen her countless times run after her boy and he is FAST. But everyone else has children who AREN'T runners. Everyone else has children who were happily playing in the playground along with all the other kids, THE WHOLE TIME. But no, Mothers in general seem to have this idea that they NEED to be busy with their children, that they NEED to be running after them and worrying about them - and they DON'T! They just need to relax and allow their child some space and KNOW that their child is okay. And when they do that, they will realise that SOMETIMES, their child gets hurt. And that SOMETIMES is okay.

I ended up leaving the party when the party ended and everything was packed up. And still I did not feel like I had caught up with anyone properly. One mum said as she walked passed me, "Sorry - we WILL talk properly one day!!!" and added a bit of a "hahaha". I just casually said, "It'll happen!" but in my mind I was thinking, Ahh no.

That's the thing about this place. Everyone is always polite and always interacting at a surface level.

Did you REALLY want to know how my trip went? Cos if you didn't, why ask?

I love that my best friend T KNOWS how to listen. She is the one that actually TAUGHT ME how to listen. When she asks a question, it's because she WANTS to hear me. And she does. She listens intently, looking at me and focusing on what I'm saying. I know that she's not a mum and yes it IS different - but these mums... it's almost like they're using their kids as an excuse, or as if interrupting conversations for their children has become this addictive habit.

The thing is, this realisation is not because I'm back from a wonderful trip. It's something I've noticed before and have not been able to put into words why it was frustrating. It's not because I don't like being interrupted (I've learned to deal with that over the years because hey, sometimes interruptions just happen), it's because I don't feel HEARD. I don't feel VALUED.

And that is something I DID experience in Chile, with everyone I interacted with. And back where my own family lives, well.... der. It's something I experience becase they truly CARE about me and VALUE what I have to say.