Sad day in Muddling Through As Best I Can

Hey, it’s been a while once again. Life just gets in the way of me staying current with my journal here.
My ex-wife called me this morning to tell me that the grandson of our dearest friends of 40+ years had died in a traffic accident at the age of 18. Having been through this, we know exactly what they’re going through and will be going through for a long time to come.
I know at my age, things like this are going to happen and you have to accept that the longer you live, the more people you are likely to lose through your lifetime. I just never gave thought to the option that it might be children that you raised, or helped raise.
When it happened to us, it took years for us to feel a semblance of normalcy. Like them, our son was 18 when he had his wreck. Unlike this instance, he died as a result of MRSA staph, which they were unable to treat at that time.
I thought after that, nothing could hurt that much. Then my second wife passed away unexpectedly, leaving me and our three boys on our own to navigate. Then a drunk driver took my 21-year-old son away less than three years later, along with his wife, leaving my 5-week-old granddaughter an orphan.
The pain is never less, but the ability to navigate it and remain functional improves with practice I suppose. Or maybe it was simply that I couldn’t afford the luxury of laying down my responsibilities after the first time, who knows?
I don’t, but I know these are things that I couldn’t say to a newly grieving parent. In my head, I still carry most of the words people said to try to comfort me, but here’s a hint; there are no words, no comfort, and no belief system that will help a parent cope in the beginning. All they need is for you to be available without smothering them, to know that you love them, and not judge them however long it takes them to find their “new normal”. That’s a popular term I’ve come to hate, honestly. I’ve had other grieving parents ask how long it takes to get past the loss, but you never get over it completely. The loss is forever, and all you think about some days are “what-ifs” and “what might have been”, along with the guilt of not being there to somehow save your child, even though the other part of your mind logically tells you how impossible that would have been. We don’t succumb to the false promise of logic, however. Not for a long time, and perhaps not ever.
In closing, just a few things I wish people would not say to grieving parents, or any loved one actually, during these times:
“God needed another angel” (No, he didn’t. Don’t blame God, he didn’t do this. It’s just a thing that happened. That isn’t comforting, especially to someone who is a believer.)
“Were you close?” (Of course not, my soul is torn apart and these are tears of anger at not having more time to despise them here on earth).
“It’s been x amount of time, you should be over it”....I’m not even going to make a joke about this one, which I actually heard numerous times. It takes as long as it takes. The grief is going to be forever, it only becomes more manageable. If you ever say this, you are not a friend, you are a person with no empathy and should sit in a corner silently.
Anyway, if you’re disposed, please send silent thoughts, prayers, good vibes or whatever your belief system is to this family. I would sincerely appreciate it.

Last updated November 02, 2022