Owning Difficult Truths in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance
- Oct. 30, 2022, 11:30 p.m.
- |
- Public
Ladies and Gentlemen… this is certainly not an entry I had anticipated writing. Frankly, there is an entry in Drafts right now that I would much rather be finishing. Because I would rather finish a hypothetical entry, an entry on ideas rather than do this entry, But my mind and body said “DO THIS ENTRY” so… I am writing it down. Whether it sees the light of day? We’ll address when it comes time.
Starting right off the bat with an obvious and unnecessary reminder- I am extremely fucking touch starved. To double down…I am extremely fucking touch starved and a criminal prosecutor… so every single person that decides “I don’t need consent” comes across my doorstep professionally… every single person that decides “If they say no, I punch them in the mouth and take it anyway” comes across my professional doorstep. I am a man who is 38 years old… and has only had ANY sexual content with 6 women… and “sexual content” means quite literally ANYTHING more than kissing. So… touching a boob? SEEING a boob? Seeing a vagina? I am 38 years old… the number of women for whom I have seen their vagina is five. AND that includes the woman who sexually assaulted me; the woman who (after a close friendship and physical relationship) told me that I was Genetic Garbage; it includes the Ex-Wife who not only refused any and all sex for years and years but ALSO said (and acted on) she would rather have sex with a total stranger than her “fat” husband.... thereby contracting an STI because “Yay Stranger, Boo Fat Disgusting Husband” meant she would rather contract a permanent disease than fucking TOUCH ME… it includes the Porn Model who repeatedly said that touching me at all was an act of pity… and it includes the woman who… after a full decade of being in relationship after relationship where she was beaten, stabbed, and physically abused… viewed the prospect of being in a relationship of support , love, and respect as a negative .... that gets to be my own personal history.
BUT considering my job? I get to see everything progress. Y’see, I am a 38 year old short fat white cis het criminal prosecutor. So quite literally anything that makes me sad gets an on-line celebration. FUCK following the law. FUCK all whites. FUCK all men. And what I come to?
Is the same as what I came to even 4 years ago.
WHY is it such an abomination for someone like me to want an honest relationship involving connection, physical touch, quality time, trust and meaningful… anything?!
I am 38 years old. I haven’t even had sex 38 time in my life. Fuck that, I haven’t even had 38 positive dates in my life… and I was married for almost 10 years!
I know that according to my family, according to my ex-wife, according to most of society the best thing I could do would be to just slit my throat and bleed the fuck out. But I can’t do that. I can’t punch my own ticket right now. But all the same? I don’t exactly expect anything positive to happen miraculously either.
stargazing ⋅ October 30, 2022
It isn't an abomination for someone like you to want an honest relationship involving connection, physical touch, quality time, trust and meaningful...anything. If you are around ppl who are telling you this, you are definitely around the wrong people. And I would argue that most of society isn't saying the best thing you could do would be to just slit your throat and bleed out. I don't know anyone who would want anything like that for anyone. Not even someone they hate. If your family wants that for you...then you need to cut ties with them.
What I do think is that your self esteem was destroyed by your ex wife, and working on building that back up would go a long way towards healing and being able to find a healthy relationship. And that may seem daunting...it isn't going to be an overnight solution. You'll just need to take one day at a time. Continue getting together with friends. Being busy will help you not focus just on what you are missing. Just my humble opinion.
Shattered stargazing ⋅ October 31, 2022
Well said!
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ October 31, 2022 (edited October 31, 2022)
Edited
I feel ya but attraction isn't a choice. I'm good looking smart and funny and I'm in same boat. Life isn't fair and what you've experienced does not even begin to plumb the depths of misery and injustice out there. You'll get used to it in time. Or not. Anyway sorry to hear you're upset dude
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ October 31, 2022
I hope you understand I mean no harm. In recent flooding in Pakistan they were under 12 feet of water. Entire farms and towns got destroyed. They're drinking water with feces and fertilizer in it. I understand it hurts, but broadening your perspective to look at what happens beyond your own small personal struggle helps you feel peace with your life, or your circumstances. Even if you sometimes need to whine.
Personally I've been where you are, doing the exact same thing online. And I got sick of myself. And people came to the rescue, or gave me advice, or whatever. And you know what, it helped me feel better to get the attention but when you actually grow up and get on with things beyond "seeing vagina" women take you more seriously. at that point, who knows? Maybe you do get an actual date, or actual interest.
Anyway, I've been blocked by Pretend Mulling. Whoops! And good riddance.
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ October 31, 2022
Also for what it's worth I'm sorry to hear you were called Genetic Garbage. People can be mean.