Bad Idea Wanting Closure in Post Breakup Journal Entries

I had the sudden urge to reach out to my ex because I was feeling extremely down. Feeling confused as to why things ended and wanting closure. After deliberating, I realized reaching out would be a bad idea. A little more back story: She broke up with me because she was starting to feel like she had gotten into a relationship too soon (with me) a couple months after her last relationship which was extremely abusive and toxic. She was overwhelmed feeling like she was doing a disservice to herself not being out of a relationship right after a long term one, which I understood completely. But then she began to talk about how she felt she was having to choose between me and the rest of her life ie., friends, family, school, and work. So I feel like I’m left confused about what the issue really is. I never once told her she had to choose between me and her friends and she explained it was internal conflict. Technically, we are on “break” but I’m assuming that it’s not just a break. Even so, internally I feel so conflicted because on one hand part of me is waiting/hoping for the day we get back together and on the other hand I’m trying to understand that we are not getting back together. Everything is on her terms, when/if we get back together. And I’m trying my absolute best to take control of my own life and OWN the idea of it being on my terms. I just feel like I’m boxed in with no real decision that’s beneficial to me right now.