Day 9? in Post Breakup Journal Entries

Skipped a day of actual journaling but instead had a little rant. Today is a funky day if I’m being honest. I’m having difficulty not being angry/upset towards my ex. I was reflecting and going back to our last conversation. And the cliché “it’s not you it’s me” was thrown in my face. She felt as if she was having to choose between her friendships/family and me. I was only able to see her on the weekends because she goes to school and I’ve already graduated and moved back home. It’s not far but it’s also not a convenient drive ~35-45 mins. I never minded the drive because of course I wanted to see her. The weekends were her only days of free time as she essentially worked full time as well. She told me she was feeling like she was having to choose me over hanging with her friends on the weekends. Even though, I’ve told her countless times that we don’t have to hang out every weekend and she can take time for herself. Of course, she would always refuse and say, “But I want to see you too and I love you more than anyone else!” This of course turned out to be a lie. Closer towards the end of the relationship she became distant and cold with me, at times when I would do things she seemed disgusted by me. And I don’t mean anything like sexual advances etc. but rather simple things like hugging her and giving her a kiss. I felt utterly rejected and that’s when the heartbreak I’m feeling not started to kick in. Reliving all these events makes me want to despise her. “Why is affection towards me the only thing affected?” I started asking myself. To me, it felt like something more was going on and who knows, maybe she was just falling out of love with me or losing attraction towards me. I will never be in a position to understand the reasoning behind why she wanted to leave me and that’s what I’m having issues with the most. I saw a clip on tiktok that was a POV type video. In their video they were recreating an experience they had with their ex.
POV your ex after they treated like garbage because they were ‘going through something’
That was essentially the gist of the video and I felt like a related.
I feel like I was mistreated and not a priority in their life anymore, or maybe that’s just my own selfish point of view. I think I’m trying to convince myself that something more heinous happened in order to cope and be okay with what resulted.