Just got back from a friend’s get together for a birthday. I was originally dreading the idea of going because I was not in the mood to socialize. I sat in my car listening to sad music moping and letting the heartbreak sink in, as one does, for about a hour until more familiar friends would also be there. In that hour, I realized it didn’t matter if I was being a social butterfly or not. I was there for my friend’s birthday and showing up was the only thing that mattered. A girl I was unfamiliar with was making comments about me all night, all playful ones. By the middle of the night she was very clearly flirting with me. Commenting on my smile, dimples, eyes, and some character traits she had noticed. I was quite taken aback due to how forward and aggressive her flirting was. I didn’t reciprocate very much, mostly because I’m not ready for anything intimacy related. Not only that, but throughout the night conversations about relationships kept popping up. Things about how relationships should be 100/100 rather than 50/50. The specific topic was that no person in a relationship should have to overcompensate for their partner’s lack of emotional/physical/mental availability. Whether it’s a single bad day or week. Obviously, if your partner is having a rough time small things like buying them their favorite snacks or doing their favorite activities is nice. But more so not bending over backwards and carrying the entire relationship on your own (I hope this makes sense). I definitely, saw a lot of what we were talking about in my own relationship. It was no question that my partners lack of emotional/physical/mental availability towards me was declining. But for some reason I made it my mission to pick up the slack for them. Being extra affectionate, making more time for them, and honestly being the only one present in the relationship. And then suddenly, she was the one to ask to be on a ‘break.’ I was blindsided, or at least that’s how I was feeling in the moment. And the only thing going through my mind was, “she just said she loved me more than anyone she has ever loved so why is this the only option?”. I found it incredibly conflicting, “why can’t she work on herself while we are together?,” maybe I was being selfish by asking this. I still don’t know. But in this moment I really could care less “Why?” And so I made a decision that if the girl who was very clearly interested in me tonight wants to pursue anything I am open.
Apologies for the disorganization in the text. It’s 5:45am and I’ve had a handful of drinks.
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