freedom of release in 2022

14:29

Hopefully I can bust through this entry quickly. I’m at work, alone, and with no distractions, so maybe I’ll finish before anyone shows up.

I really only have a couple quick things to mention. I wanted to save them somewhere, especially the dream I had last night.

But first, I know I mentioned the ongoing health issues in my last entry. The double knee replacement is definitely postponed until next year. Still debating whether I want to do one or both at the same time, but I have too many fun trips planned to worry about that now. Don’t know if I ever wrote this [I think I did], but the doc said that with the way my x-rays look he wouldn’t expect me to even be walking on my own. So although I loath my body some days, and cry at the misfortunes in life, I know that realistically I’m lucky to even be moving at all. I’ll enjoy that while I can!

I had to call my new primary care doc yesterday because she was supposed to refer me to a dermatologist two weeks ago and I still have not heard anything. Honestly not surprised because she seemed very uncaring. I mean I know it’s a little shallow to complain about my hair loss, but it’s seriously bad and I’m not trying to go bald before I hit 40. It’s a real shame my pcp is retiring soon. Supposedly the referral coordinator who I finally got a hold of is looking into it and will call me back with updates. I’ll give her the day today to check it out and call her back tomorrow if she doesn’t call me first.

Also called an acupuncture place about an hour away to see if they take insurance and ask about cash rates. Unfortunately, once I finally worked up the courage to call, they don’t take my insurance and cash rates are more expensive than the other place in that town. I can’t really afford $120 follow-up sessions if the other place only charges $80. Shame because this particular place seemed better suited for me. I definitely want to check the other one out though and I’ll spend the $150 for the initial consultation/treatment just to see what it’s all about. I know it won’t make a huge difference with one session but I’m curious and have been talking about it for years.

Western medicine sure hasn’t worked. I’m willing to try anything else now.

The real reason I came in here wasn’t just to talk about my to-do list checkmarks.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I know my subconscious was inspired by my reading entries that pop up from years before, and stories of others dealing with dating, and mostly my trying to be fully aware of my emotions and train my heart to settle.
[I’ll kick that stress out of my life one way or another!]

So the dream: I was in my house and we were having people over. Not sure what all was going on but I know that at some point I realized TF was going to stop by. He was bringing his girlfriend and possibly her daughter. I remember stopping in the bathroom to check myself in the mirror before I went to get the door. I even said something out loud like “sorry EC” because I seemed to be aware of still caring what I looked like in front of him, though didn’t spend much time in there. Went to open the front door as they were walking in and I said hi to her, though we’ve never met, and made my way to TF. I went to hug him hello, totally friendly, and he got this weird look on his face. He gave me the strangest, most hesitant, side hug and almost pushed me away. So awkward.

Then I woke up. And in that hazy sleep/wake stage a lightbulb went off! I haven’t had that many dreams about him over the years but this was certainly the first one where he seemed uninterested in even being near me. It made me think that maybe that piece deep down inside of me is finally releasing that whole situation from my body. Like it wasn’t him pushing me away, it was my subconscious pushing him away. Finally. After all these years it felt like such a relief in that moment. I remember smiling to myself in the still dark early hours of this morning. Thinking about how good it would feel to finally rid myself of all of that. To release it all. To stop punishing myself for taking the wrong path, especially because it taught me so much.

I’m so ready to move on, though I know I’ve said that before, it felt different this morning. I want to really focus and work on my inner being. I want to help my body, and my mind, heal from all that life has thrown my way. I want to find constructive ways to stop focusing on the past hurts and carry forward. I don’t know how much time I have left and I want to start to free myself from all the darkness I hold inside.

Let’s hope it sticks this time.
rose.