Sorry for how jumbled and unstructured this is. I occasionally add to each entry when I’m feeling some type of way.
Day:1
Yesterday was probably one of the most emotional days I’ve been through in a long time. I just gotten broken up with, or we’re on a ‘break’. At this point I see them as one in the same. I don’t want to hold on hope that maybe we will be together again even though that’s what I want so bad. Because if it never happens, I’m afraid I’ll face heartbreak/depression again. There’s so much I wanted to say but couldn’t because I was so filled with sadness and confusion. Maybe I’m just being dramatic but that’s really how I was feeling. At this point I’m still conflicted. And I’ll preface by saying how guilt ridden I am with what I did. I looked through her phone and saw messages of her undeniably flirting with someone else. While we were arguing, or whatever it was that we were doing, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that. What good would come from it? I suppose I got what I was looking for. And maybe the reason I did it was one: because she had lost my trust with this particular person and two: because I knew we were “doomed” or that this ‘break’ was inevitable and I wanted a reason to be upset with her. But I just love her so much. I actually saw a future with her and it’s awful because I still see a future with her. But combating that feeling, a friend asked me what I WANTED which was a surreal moment. Because the first thing I said I wanted was just to be with her. And in response she clarified and asked, “do you want to be with the current her? The one that you know lied about flirting with that guy?” And truthfully part of me is filled with anger, not hatred, but just more sadness and heartbreak. But still I’m so fucking conflicted because the feelings I have for her. Part of me doubts she even realized she’s flirting, and therefore didn’t lie about it. But the messages I saw keep running through my mind before bed making it impossible to fall asleep. She assured me she had no feelings for him and could care less about him but I still feel iffy about the situation given what I found.
And that’s what I was feeling all day today. Just going through everything that happened. Fleeting feelings of sadness/grief obviously keep coming back. But today I feel somewhat better. Still though, part of me is preparing for the coming weeks/months in anticipation. It’s an ambiguous feeling of anticipation. I’m not sure if it’s still me hoping for the “I miss you” message or phone call. Or anticipation to get over this feeling of grief and sadness. Right now I’m going to assume it’s the former. I also downloaded dating apps again, not to use as intended. But I suppose I just need to validation and attention which I realize is unhealthy and toxic. I opened all the apps and instantly felt awful about it and used whatever “pause” option each app had. Part of it is me worried that on the off chance I’ll see her or her friends. Part of me is still worried that if someone she knows sees me she’ll think differently of me. The other part is upset because why should I care at this point. Both feelings I know is unhealthy for me. I should just be alone and work on myself but the depression is really setting in and I just can’t bring myself to find interest in anything. Lastly, I want to include that I sent her a message and WAS anticipating a response. I suppose I just wanted a better ending. I told her I was sorry for leaving on such a sour note and that I love her and finally that we might find each other again. Maybe I’m just being desperate and hopeless. But I did find comfort in her response.
Update: scrolling through dating apps for 20 seconds was extremely depressing. I just don’t see any of these women attractive because I’m still so hung up over her. Sort of an existential crisis in that maybe there really isn’t anyone else I see myself with in the future ://. I hope this feeling of helplessness subsides.
Day 2
Had a hard time sleeping last night. Kept overthinking situations in my head. But I knew I needed something to distract me so I put a podcast on to listen to. That helped. Still had some pretty awful dreams that made me not feel good. And I’ve been in and out of sleep all morning it’s now about 1pm and I can’t bring myself to do anything. I hate the place I’m in right now. And the thoughts that I keep having just make me so angry and sad. It still all feels a little hopeless but that’s expected. I think I’m feeling all stages of grief at once. Denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance. It really fucking sucks. I feel like I have no one to talk to and I just feel so alone. I still have no appetite and so far I’m not even sure that writing down everything I’m thinking and feeling is helping. I just want it all to stop. I really want to talk to her right now. I wouldn’t even know what to say and I don’t want to be in a position where I’m begging and pleading.
I think I’ve come to the realization as to why I’ve had such a bad appetite and stomach issues. I think the stress of what happened over my vacation has just persisted because since then I think I just had an intuition that is break up was coming. The impending doom sensation I was feeling for a week before. It’s stupid. I’m feeling physically I’ll because I’m heartbroken. This sucks.
Part of me thinks I’m a coward for feeling the way I am. And it’s because I’m not sure if I was truly wanted in the end. Obviously as much as people say I’m enough I’m always going to doubt that. Was I not funny enough? Was I boring? Did I not make her feel wanted? These are the thoughts running through my head as I go through the past couple months with her. I’m a fucking coward for feeling the way I am.
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