...we are free in 2022

18:33

So, I came in here to try to type up a quick entry and found an old one sitting here waiting to be posted. That’s up now and I guess I can still get a few words out.

First: as an update to that entry. EC and I did not get as much rest on our trip as we were hoping and that’s probably mostly my fault. We hung out and drank every night after everyone went to bed, we’d get a little tipsy [mostly me], and talk about all the things. So much was cleared up. So much was said. It was great and enlightening, even though tough things were said. We both even admitted to considering breaking up in the recent past. I’m glad it wasn’t just me, honestly.

In the end we both felt like the trip was really good for us in terms of our relationship. We wouldn’t be back in a good place without it, even if we didn’t get the rest we wanted/needed. Now we are rejuvenated, and reinvigorated, and ready for a lot more years!

Anyway, I’m currently watching football, by myself, in my living room. Crazy, right? Who would have thought I’d say that? haha. This is EC’s corruption for sure. I’m voluntarily watching because it’s EC’s team [the 49ers] and I watch every single game with him. Except this time he’s at home, with football on in the background, because he’s attending a webinar on coding/other computer stuff. Which I’m kinda impressed by because that’s the exact opposite of what he does and it’s great he’s looking to expand his horizons [and maybe job opportunities]. He definitely inspires me to do more in life.

I just wish I had the energy to do it!

Still having trouble with the fatigue and energy to get things done. It’s improved a million times over what it was like pre-hip replacement, but it’s still bad compared to healthy people [like EC]. I read somewhere [instagram maybe] where this person described the feeling of chronic illness/fatigue and holy cow was it spot on! They said something about how many describe it as walking through wet cement or feeling heavy. That’s the exact description I use! I always tell mom, or EC, that it feels like I’m trying to walk around with a hundred pound weights on each leg. I always assumed it was because of my bad knees, but reading that made me realize it’s actually the fatigue that comes with a bad flare.

Today I stayed at home nursing an annoying sciatic nerve. It started last night out of nowhere. I was fine all day long so I was surprised. It kept up through the night and continued all day. Normally I can use the tennis ball once or twice and it’ll go away, but not this time. I iced it all day and have used the ball multiple times. It’s just being stubborn!

I swear my body hates me. Ugh. I haven’t been completely healthy in years. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Over and over. It’s very frustrating and stressful, which sucks because it’s very possible that my stress is what’s causing all of this.

That’s what pretty much every thing says. Plus, my two major flares are tied to such events. The first was when I left home for college and totally broke down at being so far away on my own. That’s when it all started. I had no signs of any of it before then. The second major flare was during the whole craziness that was TF and all the drama that came with him. And honestly that’s the flare I’ve been living with since then. It’s been years since it first started and I’ve had both a tonsillectomy and hip replacement in that time. I’m in need of a double knee replacement. My hair is falling out in insane amounts over the last couple of months. And it’s no doubt that I feel like my body hates me, which causes more stress, and continues this vicious cycle.

I used to say that it didn’t make any sense because I don’t particularly feel “stressed”. But I think about it, and I read about it, and I start to realize more and more that maybe I’ve been stressed my whole life. I’m so used to living with this feeling that I don’t even recognize it exists. It’s hard to find that believable, but it makes more and more sense.

If my fitbit is correct [and I know it might not be] my resting heart rate is insane. High 80s. Which is still apparently normal but doesn’t make sense because I do so little.

Maybe I just don’t know how to relax. sigh

I’m trying to be more conscious of these feelings. I want to look into maybe getting back to some yoga, though that isn’t easy with the knees. Meditation might be good. Acupuncture too.

Let’s hope I can find the energy for all that.

rose.

Last updated October 03, 2022