Memories in The Wanderer

I have been having random memories of people in my past and lots of strange dreams. Firstly, there is MH. He is the dude that I was sickly in love with when I was 17. He was the first person I saw at CPK. He handed me that application and I knew I wanted the job immediately. I got hired on the spot and the crush grew from there. He was 19. There were two sides to him, and I struggled while lingering in between both his sides. I remember tearing up thousands of tiny pieces of paper that I spent days writing on and lying in the middle of it all crying on the cold hardwood floor of my bedroom in La Verne. I remember being on my hands and knees in my bathroom crying so hard I was drooling and popping pills and drinking warm vodka. I remember KJ coming over. I remember taking bong rips and throwing up in my front yard. I remember Craig going down on me while With or Without You by U2 was playing. I remember Eddie coming over to calm me down when I was having an episode, only for him to tell me he has to go meet MH and I was not allowed to be near him. I remember how that fucking killed me. I was soooooo fucked. I remember spending night after night in a shed with Eddie. And the dude with the briefcase that lived on Maynard Ave. Watching Eddie scramble for pieces of coke that were hiding in a shag carpet. And the dude with the limo. I remember the red light district party. And having some sort of four some and Justin and Cris were in the room. Everyone was watching. There were cameras. Tents. I remember coke on the washing machine and the rich dudes parties.

It all seems like some crazy movie that I saw years ago.

Then there is Scotti. She and I were best friends for many years. Our Avril days. Our "depression confessions". The times I rescued her from her crazy mom. The Richard days. When Josh died. How fucking lost we all were. We had our shit together. We always got over it. I moved away, and now that I am back I was hoping her and I could re-connect. We kind of did at A&T's wedding, but of course things are not going to be the same now. She became famous and is now marrying a famous person. I had a few brief texts with her, but that was all. I am going to let it go because she isn't the same person I once knew. It is so weird because I keep having dreams that her and I are hanging out. Then I wake up and I'm like holy fuck, my dreams are more realistic than what the reality is.

Anyways, this has just been lingering in my mind for awhile. Figured I would write/vent about it.