So I joined ChristianMingle (cm) because, well... how else do you find someone any more? One day I said to Doug, "I just don't want to be alone forever." And my son, in his 10 year old wisdom, said, "Well, join Christian Mingle". I thought about if for a few days, and then did.
I even paid for six months, because it was on sale, and because then I could access the whole site. So I spend time creating my profile, and defining my interests, and looking through profiles of other people. I hate it. It feels like shopping, and I guess that's what it really is, but it feels wrong somehow.
I see the photo of someone attractive, and I read the first few words that are visible underneath the picture, then I click the link to read more. It's like standing in front of any store shelf and picking up something that looks interesting. You hold it in your hands, you flip the package over and around and try to decide if this thing will fit into your life, if it will make you happy or ease your pain, if it will complete you. You make a judgment based on what advertisers tell you on the outside of the package. It's not until you get it home, unwrap t from the protective covering, or take it out of the box, that you really know what you have.
But it's more than that, because this thing you want, it may not want you back. It's not a matter of picking what fits you, the package has the ability to choose or reject you too. Maybe I'm too jaded, maybe I'm too skeptical because of my job, maybe I have too much heartbreak to trust. I don't know. Maybe, like every article I read right now... I need to find happiness and peace within myself.
So nearly every profile I read is all "Team Jesus. Go God. YAY!!". And, listen, I'm all for the relationship that I have with God, I really am; and I want a man who is also comfortable with a relationship with God, I want us to have similar beliefs, because that way we can move in the same direction, but these men.... it's as though everyone of these profiles the men are SO COMMITTED to God. Except the profile asks how often you go to church, and the response, most often from those who have the most scripture (GO TEAM JESUS, GOD! YAY! RAH RAH RAH!!!!) on their profile is, on special occasions, or once or twice a year. It just seems so..... disingenuous to me. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to deception. But I read that and I think, "the lady doth protest too much".
Know what else they say? Something along the lines of being non-judgmental. REALLY? Because you decide to look at a profile, or send a "smile" or an email based solely on the photo and how the profile is filled out. Guess what.... JUDGING. We all do it. Without knowing someone we pass judgment on whether or not we want to get to know them. I don't have a solution to this... I'm just saying.
I hate it. Maybe it's because only one person has ever responded to my profile. And... I don't even trust that he is truthful. I want to. but I have severe reservations about what his emails say. I want to trust. But I don't.
Maybe I did a little investigating. You know... you can find out a lot about a person from Google. It's a bit frightening really. Can I give you an example? His cm profile says that he is from State X (important because you get "matched" based on the distance you approve... 50 mile, 100 miles...). The first couple of emails he says, I live in City A, Sate Y, not where my cm profile says. Okay... I guess (why he didn't change his cm profile? I DON'T KNOW!) So maybe I Google his name in State Y. Google says he lives in City B, State Y. hummm... weird, right? So... well long story short (leaving out crazy stalkerish maneuvers on my part) Google+ says he lives in City B, his cell phone (oh yeah... we've been texting. trust me it's easier than logging into cm to check and see if I have an email every 20 minutes. What? Too obsessive??) area code is from City C, State Y. I mean.. it's not like he lives in Rhode Island. These cities in State Y are a LONG way from one another.
I should leave it alone, shouldn't I? Yeah... I know.
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