Never Amounting to Much... in Life in the Lost Lane...

Wow, sometimes i just have days and im like WTF have i done with my life. At least when i lived in TX, i had a great paying job, i had a house, but of all those things i wasn't happy. :( But now that i live at home again, literally at home in my parents basement and nearing my 34th birthday which is creeping up on me quickly, life has gotten seriously depressing. We all have them days, making almost 3 $ less really knees one in the balls (metaphorically speaking) because well i don't have any. I'm trying to find a state job, one that will pay well and have good insurance and retirement stuff. Working for the hospital sure does not give me good benefits, i have the best insurance available and i should put 1 more % into my 401k but... Ya, how my minds been going the last day or so. I know that i'm doing better than some other people that was in my graduating class, but at this time i dont even know how i would survive without government help for like an apartment, i for one do not believe in that, so for me its not an option. I wish the fucking state would just go and give my fiance and i the break we need to move forward. Start our life and earn for everything we need and want. Here i am coming up on my 15 yr reunion and feeling like a damn total failure, school was never for me, barely passed HS, let alone a community college, i tried for maybe a semester and it wasn't my thing. Falling in with a wrong crowd didn't help either. But thats not an excuse either, i guess we all pick paths that we think are best for us and then turn out to be the most horrible decision in our lives. Moving to TX was one of those, though i did learn a very valuable lesson...I love my family, i love being an auntie and i dont want to move far from them ever again.

I've brought this up to my fiance and he also thinks that it is the best thing for us. Heck he's already partially adopted them. I know that just with my time in TX, i will always have the feeling of forever being the lesser person, or never quite good enough. But that is something that i will also be forever working on. Meh. My fiance, LOVES ME, unconditionally, no matter what i say, who i think i am or even what i think i look like. To him I AM BEAUTIFUL, even though i can't quite see it myself. I think that we all have these awe shucks me kinda nights. Be i was never good at being anything but myself, which i've come a long way learning who i am and what i like. And i am still learning and finding new things everyday. A part of me thinks oh gosh my school reunion, i was always a timid thing, i had a couple good friends and then i hung out with a group. And as i experienced life as i know it now. I just want to be like fuck you and you and you, yall are a bunch of dirtbags. But thinking back, from what i can remember, i was picked on in Jr High, but not so much in HS, but of course i really have no recollection of that time, sometimes it makes me wonder if my whole school age life was a severe traumatic event and i blocked the whole damn thing out. And if prodded, yes ill say something to you, i wont be treated like shit just because you don't like how i look or even how my tude is. Yes i moved away, yes i put on a lot of weight, but i've lost some. I may be unhappy, but are you really happy in your life too? Thoughts that just swim through my head at times. Seems to me more than not, people that i went to school with have made something out of themselves and as forever with that thought of not good enough, i wonder what they see when they look at me.

Though not many will look and see the real me, the one that would do anything for her family, friends if they are worth, but i've pretty much lost my BF due to the fact im engaged to her brother and she doesn't like it. (Get over it) Youll be seriously lucky if we don't get married while he is in the correctional facility. Im just tired of waiting, i don't know why for some reason i keep having the pleasing people guilt, his parents are seriously against it, but really what do they matter at this time, not really, even his sister doesn't count even though she is supposedly my BF. Im tired of all your negativity, you people don't even visit like you should, so i don't know why your opinion matters so much. It shouldnt. My family too, hey you've already had one kid marry and it turned out awful for everyone. This isn't about anyone else but him and i. But as always i have that lil fear, oh people wont like it or what about them. Cant wait till the i dont give a fuck rolls into town. Gotta get some sleep! Have a wonderful day, Dear Diary...