2013 and Moving Forward. in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Me

The first year; the year of firsts, it is the most difficult part of grief people tell me, the first birthday, the first Christmas etc, it is the most difficult time in all of it.

I agree to some extent, my mother's birthday though I did not handle well to be honest, the day before when we visited the grave disturbed something inside of me that set reality into motion and I knew from then on she would never again be with me in any physical sense. I felt alone.

The night I wrote my previous entry I didn't mention that at 5am I went down stairs and destroyed a piggy bank (special fund) that I'd given her for her birthday in December 2012. I'd planned throughout the year to deposit more and more into it so she could go on holiday in November 2013 as she normally did or as near as possible when she felt better, we believed we had that time.

I bought her that small jar which could store up to £1000 in £2 coins if used correctly just to make her happy, just to let her know that for once people were taking care of her, when she passed I came to loathe that jar but since July I've kept it around as a mark of respect to...I don't know; maybe donate...that didn't happen.

On the eve of her birthday I decided that it was a constant reminder of the time she didn't have, that we had stolen from us and it just pissed me off to much to keep around, so I wrapped it in a towel and I swung it into the floor until it was crumbled into practically dust, each swing giving me some small semblance of release but only for a second.

I so wished I was swinging that thing into the faces of each and every person who gave me false hope, who didn't prepare me or advise me of what could happen, some choices would have been made differently if we'd have known, so it felt like some small comfort to destroy my own symbol of hope because now it was irrelevant and I saw no reason in keeping it round just to remind me of what would never be and as a constant reminder of the time I was promised, never given and robbed of.

Work

Funny story I didn't get to tell my mum was that I started a new job in November, that was fun (ha!). I lasted six weeks because management were assholes. I sent them all a big rant over email prior to my leaving and told them to go fuck themselves as well as stating that I quit because they insulted me. It felt good. Sometimes naming names and flattening people as well as landing them in serious shit when they have it coming, really just feels great lol.

Ironically enough job wise I went back to the place I left and I'm content there, happy with the people, they were and still are great people. I walked through the doors, got handshakes, hugs and smiles, it meant a lot and I felt like I'd come home in a lot of ways, sometimes you don't realise what you mean to some people until there is an absence and what some people mean to you in that same space as well.

Christmas

Christmas has obviously just been and the hardest part for me was to wake up, go down stairs and see an empty chair. I got my friends to deliver their gifts for me on Christmas eve but opening those presents in the same room I opened up toys in when I was a kid with my mother behind me did make me sad and lonely.

Once I was done opening them and the excitement was over at what I'd received I'm not ashamed to admit I cried...I wanted to open up the gifts she'd have given me that year but this time there were none.

I hated Christmas day with my family, we went for a meal at 1pm and we had a new person join us who was my cousins wife's father, he was pleasant enough at first but God he would not shut up and felt the need to constantly engage me of all people in conversation. I didn't have the energy for it this year plus he loved to be self involved about topics that were important to him and irrelevant to everyone else, so the day dragged until around 6pm when I came home and had friends round for the Dr. Who xmas special.

Dr. Who Xmas Special

I love Matt Smith as The Doctor but this was his last show, a sad moment again, the end of another I love this year in a different way but he didn't leave me feeling empty, they can't do that can they.

Matt Smith's final speech: (In caption only)
We all change; when you think about it.
We're all different people, all through our lives and that's okay, that's good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.

Personally I love that speech. I can relate to it in many ways and those close to me know why.

So here is my version:

2013 has been a shit year for me, it seems this has been a trend over the last decade to be honest, so in 2014 I'll be moving home, investing more time into me, looking for and hopefully finding someone whom I can share things with, share..life with.

It is time for me to change again, my mother's death was always going to be a catalyst to change my personality. I wanted to control that change. I wanted to be better for it, I wanted to be someone who wasn't this version of me, set in his ways, set to the beat of the same drum, the victim.

I will always remember everything that happened to me, all those secrets as a child, all those incidents, all those memories and the story that was my life back then.

I won't be this person anymore. I'll get to be someone new again when I've come to terms with things and when I've healed up some, I'll always remember the person(s) I used to be and I'll always remember those moments that made me; me :)

Times change and so must I.

Happy New Year All

Last updated June 11, 2014