Happy Birthday Mum. in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

I'd never have guessed that the year I finally remember your birthday is the year you're not here.

In August you were meant to be pestering me to help you save up some spending money for your holiday.

In September you were supposed to be complaining about work and how you were so looking forward to your break away.

In October you were meant to be complaining about your dress size and asking me if you were looking okay.

Last month you were meant to be on holiday with the girls and coming back with the usual happy smile on your face, with a look that you couldn't wait to go back once again, November was a good time of year for you.

This month you're meant to be teasing me about your birthday and Christmas presents, saying you've got nothing for me and you don't know what you want, we do that dance every year and you'd always get me some great 'smellies' as you called them and some amazing Xmas card I'd never really fully appreciate at the time.

I know what I want for Christmas this year Mum. I want you back for a day. You were taken from us far to soon, we were meant to have a few years not a few weeks to a few days, you're meant to be here with us now and you're meant to be giving me a hard time over some of the crap I've recently pulled.

Today though, we went to your grave for the first time since you were laid there and we held it together well enough, seems like all we're doing is holding it together well enough since you were taken from us.

It's not easy, but of course, you wouldn't have it any other way, we always had to go that long way round, the stubborn way to get to the end, when you could have done something as simple as be here for your special day; but I know you can't make it this time round and you won't make it for Christmas this year either. I imagine now I get 'the look' but sarcasm was always a big part of our relationship so don't blame me for using it now.

Today we planted flowers on your grave, they looked great, you'd have loved them, no mixes of reds and whites unlike at thefuneral where I saw that happened. I said to Susan then that I expected to see flowers flying out of the grave with you hating that combination, the humour got me through those moments but even I only have so much humour and sarcasm within me, these past 4 months have shown that.

Today we toasted you whilst having a carvery, but today was only the 8th December 2013 and in actual fact today is your birthday and the day it really sinks in that you're not here when I can't give you anything, when I can't wish you happy birthday and do something to make you feel more valued than anything because if there was ever to be a year I had to become son of the year and give you something amazing it was going to be this one and you're not here to see it. Every day I think of you, every day I expect you to walk through the door and I'm going to keep expecting that for some time.

I miss you more than I can honestly express BUT you had better be having an amazing birthday bash right now that leaves you with the most epic of hangovers if you can still get those (for making me miss you I kind of hope you do)

I love you Mum.

Happy birthday xxx

Last updated June 11, 2014