Fed Up in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Hey all, So today was an interesting day. I spent it cleaning, no that's not the interesting part although it turns out once I start I can't seem to stop, so kudos to me on that one.

At one stage I'd gone for close to 5 hours straight and decided to take a break and sit down, for some reason during this period was when my mind decided that now would be a really good time to think how my mum would be making some sarcastic comment on my cleaning so intensely.

The thoughts then began to run wild in my mind over everything that had happened, sitting there I could feel my heart begin to pound in my chest, getting so frustrated, angry and sad that she wasn't here to give me a hard time in a jokey manner, all my mind could do was flash back to her laying there in the hospital bed still, cold, non responsive after she had gone.

I was supposed to have years.
I was supposed to have years with you yet.
I was supposed to have years with you and you were gone in weeks.

The image played over and over in my mind, it wouldn't let me go, my breathing became erratic and short, I could feel myself choking and welling up with anger as though something had become unhinged in my mind, my head was light and all I wanted to do was unleash rage, finally cut loose and scream after all this time of bottling it up.

I am tired, so tired of treading on egg shells around people, my honest feelings are that I just don't care anymore at the moment, I'm sure it will pass and normality will set back in with my thoughts but right now I just don't care.

I'm sick of trying to explain this to people and because they don't know what it's like they sit there with that blank expression on their face, listeners give me no comfort and whilst I appreciate the sentiment and effort, it is wasted on me.

Fed up.

Last updated June 11, 2014