Update: 15/09/2014 in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Hey all,

So nothing much has happened over the last few weeks aside from clearing the house and rooms.

You know it's bad when you're semi lying to yourself don't you? The past few weeks have been difficult and they have left me wanting to approach life in a different way, whilst I have my old life trying to slide its way back in.

Indirectly and unintentionally I have become more distant from my friends although spending more time with them, sadly it becomes more apparent to me they don't know how to approach the situation I'm in or have any real contemplation as to what this is like. I don't blame them or resent them for it, they have their parents and I wouldn't wish for them to understand this first hand to be honest.

In a lot of ways I want to be able to sit, drink, cry and chat about how I feel to my friends but they don't get it, they do not understand it, they don't get this pain and they won't until it happens to them, so I'm alone and I'm frustrated. I can't vent what I want to. I can't express what it is I'm feeling in any concrete way. My hands clench so tightly, my fingers lock in agony wanting to scream but as much as I want to cry out I'm silenced. Although nothing comes out, my throat contracts and aches as though I'm choking on nothing...

Sigh seems an old girl I used to really, really like / love has gotten married to her then boyfriend recently, fair play to her. The wedding day was the day my mum passed, seriously I fucking hate whatever this shit is that just fucks with my entire being.

It seems all I get to do lately is plow through good and bad memories of everything. I'm tired of that. I'm tired. I'm just so tired of not having an outlet. I've just had two weeks off, did I get any real peace? No.

Truth is though I complain about being burdened, I complain about being alone, hell knows what I want at the moment, I want a fucking break but in what capacity I do not know. I just want to stop feeling as though I am constantly on my hands and knees, my fingers ripping through the dirt and me screaming at the top of my lungs with no sound as it pours down constantly upon me.

I want my eyes to stop hurting, why is it in every show I watch, every game I play there is something that links directly in to a parents death, a murder, a sudden accident anything, it all seems so raw, so poignant and I'm tired of it, it's ironic I know but yet there it is, all in my face, all just there and I and flaunted. I have no escape.

There is a part of me that hasn't graced this entry, nor this entire event but all it does is pound at the door, run at it, scream at it and smash at it, my mind tries to silence it but all I can hear is:

WHY?!
NO!
AAAARRRGHHHHHH!
I WILL KILL YOU. I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!
I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I FUCKING I HATE YOU. I WILL END YOU.
Along with a lot more, but that door feels like it's only made of wood with some chains wrapped around it, what is in there wants out.

I don't care about it wanting out anymore you know. I've lost to much here now but why bother? Why care, what is it really going to get me?

I spoke with two of the people who understand me the most and I asked them, why? Why?! WHY?

Why do I have to be the one to go through all of this first?
Why do I have to experience all of this shit?
Why do I have to be the one to experience, comprehend and deal with everything?
Why do I have to...Why do I have be the one to...

The discussion was and is pointless, why would they now all of a sudden 'get me' why in all accounts would they understand where I am coming from, they would not. they won't and nor can they. I hate that they can't...So let them.

Last updated June 12, 2014