How Am I? in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Hey all,

Been a while since I wrote I know and thanks to a few notes asking for an update I felt I should keep you apprised of my current status.

I've plodded along since the funeral to be honest. I've not felt like doing much of anything. I went back to work the week following the funeral, I've come to hate damn near every second of it too, my perspectives have changed somewhat drastically as people can imagine and I just don't care anymore.

I'm sick of whiney people calling me up regarding things that seems so inconsequential to me now. I'm just tired in general to be honest, I'm now on a two week break and God I need it to be honest. I'm so tired, so fed up, so drained.

The world is not the same as it was to me a month ago and things aren't right. I keep expecting little things to happen and they don't, that gets to me. I'm waiting for something, wanting something, it is hard to comprehend the loss of someone so close to you, loss always is, but when it is an everyday occurrence it becomes that much more difficult to cope with.

It's the memories that get to you the most, the last moments, the suffering, the pain and the fucking inability to take the suffering away from someone who doesn't deserve it. I hate that memory. I hate that feeling of helplessness. I hate the feeling of rage that boils within me always under the surface, just waiting to explode, just wanting that excuse to rampage and take it out on the next person who gets in my way because I think it will make it all better but it won't. Illogically I want to compare pain, suffering, torture,frustration, anger, hate and despair with these people who keep winding me up.

I'll be honest, I don't have much in the way of patience at the moment. I don't think I will for a while yet. I even find writing this somewhat draining and yet I've done nothing. I am not doing brilliantly, not under where I expected to be in honesty but I was hoping to have more time be able to gather my thoughts, feelings etc. The problem with that in today's world is though that it does not stop and people expect you to pick up the ball and keep running even with a hole just so recently shot through you.

I got nothing at the moment to be honest, I'm going through all the motions. I'm with my friends but I got nothing. I have nothing and right now even my closest friends seem so distant to me, it's not their fault, they don't know what this feels like and I am thankful for that, minus one who does know what it's like to lose a parent, this isn't something I'd want any of them to experience until it is their natural time and so many years down the line when it becomes a natural part of life.

God knows what I am to do with myself because I've no idea, seriously I've no idea. I can make my lists and I'll get through them but they mean nothing, no accomplishment. I'm used to coming home and being able to talk about my day and vice versa, now I can't, instead I am lonely more so than ever, hating coming home to this empty house that seems devoid of life for me. I lost two of the most important parts of my life here now, so why stay? Well as soon as I can move I will be. I don't have it in me to stay here anymore to be honest.

So how am I doing? Shit.

This is by enlarge one of the hardest impacting moments of anyone's life and yet I've still got to get up and carry on like everything is normal...Nothing is normal. I'm tired of trying to pretend it is, there is to much going on for this to ever be normal.

These two weeks off are a welcomed break. I hope to find a new job in that time, pay cut perhaps but I want something a lot easier and more sociably friendly. As I've already said. I got nothing at this moment in time.

If you want to reach me just ask for my facebook, it's probably easier to keep in touch with me on there than it will be here atm.

Although I come on here everyday, no promises I will write.

Last updated June 11, 2014