Mothers Funeral, Eulogy, Wake, Yesterday and Today in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

That moment when you are alone.

Hi all,

So the funeral was this past Tuesday, a difficult day to say the least, my aunt was the one I think who took it the hardest emotionally, when we entered the car she began to break down. I held her hand and squeezed it keeping back my own emotions.

I had limited sleep the night prior as you can imagine, instead thinking about what was to come, thinking about what will happen, thinking whether or not I was right or not for the Eulogy, part of me was unsure due to the amount of concerns that were seriously voiced over my being able to get through it and it has given me some doubts. I maintained though that it had to be me, it had to be me to do it, nobody else can deliver this as it needs to be and nobody else can read my words.

When we arrived at the Church, a large crowd had gathered outside, there must have been between 150 - 200 people I'd have said with all the relatives, friends and colleagues there. I made sure not to look for anyone. I needed to maintain my composure if I was going to get through this mass.

We carried the coffin to the door and the priest greeted us and blessed my mother's coffin with holy water, there it was, the reality of what was about to come through all of this. My eyes watered but I summoned enough strength to fight the tears back without letting them fall. We carried her to her place at the front of the church.

I had no voice at all through the entire mass, just couldn't sing the songs or say the words. I remember just focusing on getting through the Eulogy, get through it, before I knew it the words from the priest were there. "Marie's son, Gary will now say some words about his mother."

I took a deep breath and my aunt grabbed my arm in support, in a few steps I was on the altar, in front of podium and facing this crowd, all expecting me to say something amazing or break down into tears I'm sure.

My first words when I got up there and took the Eulogy from my pocket were "this is going to be difficult isn't it?" I did it to let people in a little but also in honesty to check the microphone volume etc.

If you want to read the Eulogy, it is in my previous entry.

Let's pretend it is inserted here like it was my Opendiary but I'm not going to edit it twice, once was enough.

Father Kevin had covered some parts of the Eulogy by giving some of my mum's history, I managed to make a small joke about that to the priest, wondering if he wanted to read the rest of this out for me, he smiled and so did some people.

I knew if I could use and maintain my humour a little I'd be able to get through this, so I did. I took myself out of it with my guards and I don't know how the damn hell I did it but I managed to smile, to laugh, to joke.

The end though, regarding time was the hard part and I emphasised that message in a big way. People were smiling, people were crying with smiles on their faces and there I was again the rock for everyone. I forget what my last words were exactly but I remember telling people not to be sad here but to learn from this and celebrate her life. I thanked everyone for coming.

I took one step off the altar and all of a sudden this huge round of applause began, my eyes opened in shock. I was not expecting it what so ever. I've next been to a funeral where there has ever been a round of applause, it meant a lot though and helped me get through the rest of the day with no tears. I sat back down to my aunt with tears in her eyes saying "brilliant, brilliant."

The burial was difficult but I had my three best friends there for me.

The after party was also nice, had a little eat and began my drinking session but I did my rounds and thanked people for their attendance, they all commented on the Eulogy and how they loved it.

After there I went to my local and with friends, some family got exceedingly drunk and I mean exceedingly drunk, however spirits were high and it was nice.

Yesterday I did nothing and I mean nothing. I stayed in bed all day only to move for drinks, food and other necessities but other than that I didn't move. I felt after the last three weeks the world could turn without me in it for a day.

Today has been up and down, it's the silence and the knowing that someone you love and care for isn't going to walk through the door anymore that is the hardest part. The silence, the memories, the after thoughts, the anger, there is so much I have to work through that it is going to be exceptionally painful but I can do it only one day at a time.

Regards, G

Last updated June 12, 2014