Silence in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Silence.

I sat on my stairs earlier today and I couldn't hear anything, no T.V, no music, no annoying sounds from a Facebook game, no kettle, no washing, no banging, nothing, just silence. So it started to hit me in small waves that this is what it is going to be like in this house from now on. Silent.

I've never been one to be afraid or uncomfortable around silent or quiet things, for the most part I in fact relish it, time to myself while the rest of the world carries on is fine by me, today though just knowing that this house will be silent because its main noise maker will no longer be around began to slowly hit me hard.

The truth is she may never even set foot in her own home again because of her current condition and that saddens me more than I can express when I dwell on it in any depth. The treatment, the hell she has been through in recent months, for what?

She was meant to get a few years and now it's a few weeks. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! THIS ISN'T HOW IT'S MEANT TO BE! THIS ISN'T HOW IT'S MEANT TO GO!

I know...I know life is unfair, fuck I know that far better than most but dear God she had plans, just some half decent goodbyes, some time away and now this. The lyrics seem so poignant right now:

"And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could..."

Who Will I Be? 2009 was the last time I wrote anything, forgive my being rusty.

Through life, through death, through pain and through hell I have become me.
All these things have paved the road that is for me to be.
Once more I face the death and loss of a loved one.
I can't help but wonder who I'll become when they're gone.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
I'll go through the stages of grief early to prepare myself but I'll begin with repentance...
We all know though that nothing prepares you for the loss of someone close, nothing prepares you for the emptiness.
I look back at life and can't help but ask if any of it has ever been planned out with any fairness?

When they are gone, the world is going to keep on turning and keep on going isn't it?
I even loathe the fact that even I'll eventually adapt and cope bit by bit.
The lesson here though is that you can't take anyone for granted, because life is not fair.
And when you have so many things you regret they become that much harder to bare.

I've learned to let go of the past and all of its misgivings, none of it matters anymore.
Why bother holding onto things that are going to simply make the wounds sore?
From this moment on it is time to decide who I will be.
Whether that will be good or bad, we will have to wait and see.

Regards,

Last updated June 11, 2014