Mother: Prognosis Terminal. in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Hi all,

I'll post what I gave to my best friends in a message here:

Tonight has been a difficult night, after all the cancer treatment and the success in my mums lung, she had a C.T Scan last week to find out why her migraines hadn't gone. We originally suspected that this was to do with all the stress and anxiousness of the pending results but even after the good news they hadn't gone.

The doctors have called her in for an appointment on Thursday but basically as we got some preliminary results which have shown the cancer has spread to her brain and there are tumours there now as well. The prognosis is terminal.

We don't know how long she has left could be a few months could be 12, we'll know more on Thursday at the hospital.

Needless to say this one has floored me, not ashamed to say it.

I'm not expecting either of you to reply on here to this I know it's a cunt of a subject and it's not something that words will change but I felt I should say.

I'm trying to digest and process the above as best I can, it is not easy, in fact it is an absolute fucker and I'm passing between raw and numb at a frequent rate, not sure if something in my psyche has actually snapped a little to be honest, things aren't right and well, what can I say?

I'll post more when I can form a thought.

A reply to a friend:

If I could cash all of my chips in, everything, all the good deeds, all that I felt I was owed to spare her this pain, you know I would. Seeing the world as I do through my eyes, the pain, the suffering, the hardships that people go through needlessly each day just to make them who they are today.

Sure, sometimes I get to give a bit of a helping hand to someone like you (although you are unique) and it is honestly my privilege and pleasure to be a part of your life in some capacity, helping people deep down is what I like to do.

I sit here now and wonder what have I done? Did I do enough, did I drop the ball somewhere? Did I become complacent? Did I need to be taught a lesson again through somebody else's suffering and misery?

The truth is my memory is hazy tonight on what I've done for you, for others. I don't know. I can't recall the mess you were or weren't in to warrant you saying what I've done for you. I don't know, perhaps that fog will clear by tomorrow but for the now my mind can only see what is in front of me and to me that is my mother.

She is suffering from what is now an incurable disease and to modify some of the quotes that mean a lot me. My mum has always stood up for the little guy, it's her enormous heart, her boundless generosity and caring for others, she has the capacity for sheer joy that some of us seem to lose along the road to adulthood.

She is my mother, I love her with all of my heart and if I could yank that horrible disease out of her I would and I would fight it and I would win. I would use every ounce of my strength to fight it and I would win, if I could, but I can't.

It's like I'm that boy again, heaped up against that corner, cowering, crying tears streaming down my face, all before Uek and now I watch as the world around me collapses. Tonight I can't shut anyone out because I'm just an open wound and by the end of this I know I won't be the same person any more.

Last updated June 11, 2014