Man's Best Friend (My Best Friend) in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

While writing this I listened to: Sam Haine and The Bloodflames - Amethyst

Hey All,

I thought I would try distract myself a little from recent events but sadly as much as I try to my thoughts and dreams are filled with other regrets so I don't exactly find much in the way of rest when I close my eyes at night.

Recently my thoughts are filled once more with my dog Kez, that to some may seem strange, a lot of people do not realise the strong connection that can happen between person and animal, nor do they realise how powerful that connection can actually be when it really boils down to it.

I have genuinely forgotten how old I was when Kez came into my life, I was very young, at the time going through a lot of the shit that I've described in my previous entries. Kez was a stray dog who I met one day when I was outside of my house playing with the neighbours, he came up to me out of nowhere and proceeded to lick my face. I'll not forget my feelings at the time because all I could do was actually smile as a kid and hug him, he was a beautiful springer spaniel and a truly, truly beautiful soul is all I can tell you upon meeting him, he meant no harm and just wanted a friend. I could relate to that.

I spent a little time with Kez before introducing him to my mum, about 40 minutes before I said there was someone I felt she should meet, I'll not forget my mum's face, she later told she knew what was coming, I let him in and so there he was Kez, he toddled in and happily took his place in front of the fire place getting himself warm, all as though this was normal to him.

My mum sent me off to the shop to get him some food as he was clearly hungry, when I got back and dished the food out for him he literally wolfed it down with his little tail waggling like no tomorrow, I loved this dog and I'd only known him for an hour but I knew he was my dog, a child wanting a friend more than anything in the world and here he was, so what if he couldn't talk, that face of his was all I needed to see to know that I had someone there for me.

Kez over the years turned out to be my friend in everything, I'd go to sleep and he would jump on the bed to sleep next to me, be it the bottom or laying across me (uncomfortable as hell for me, great for him) he was always loyal and sadly as I got older I took him for granted, I didn't spend anywhere near as much time as I should have, I loved him to pieces and I expected him to always be there but that wasn't the case.

One day his back half suddenly went and he could no longer walk on his back legs, right now I cannot tell you how hard it is to type this because it kills thinking about it, his face when I saw this happen broke me instantly and I cried my eyes out, he didn't deserve such suffering he was a beautiful creature who'd been through a lot in his life and for him to go the way he did just pains me.

I had to have him put to sleep when his back legs went on him and I can assure you. I have never felt so numb in my entire life, holding him in my arms as he was put to sleep killed me, that act literally killed a part of me, he took long hard deep breaths, he moaned as though he was dreaming and I clutched him tight and I cried, I looked into his eyes and I was losing my best, every breath I drew hurt so much, he was my best friend and I watched him go.

Like watching a relative slowly slip away from your world, this was the same, it hurt, it killed, it tore and I cannot begin to describe what it was to lose Kez from my life. I picked him up from that table with tears in my eyes and he was coming with me, the vet tried to stop me at one point but the look in my eyes alone stopped her, violence would have ensued, I took him home with me and I could not stop crying for hours on end.

I laid Kez in his bed and covered him in his blanket, my cousin and uncle came, they helped me burry him in the back yard, I was absent for the whole thing mentally, we went through the act but I couldn't handle it, they buried him for me but damn near everyday since I've thought of him. I loved that dog beyond belief, more than anything I could ever put into words and yet I've never mentioned him in any of my diaries.

Kez was and still is a massive part of me, I can never let him go because so much of my life I felt was shared with him, even though unspoken, having him there through everything to come and comfort me as a kid by licking the side of my face or putting his paw over me at night meant so much more to me than I can ever express in words, all it does to me is bring tears to my eyes because I loved that dog so much and I felt as though I didn't do enough, no fuck that I know I didn't do enough, he deserved better than me but I never once let any harm come to him.

I love you to bits still to this day Kez, more than anything right now, there isn't anything in this life I wouldn't give just to literally have you come back and give me a hug as you did just to make sure I was okay.

You're the best friend I'll ever have Kez. I miss you and love you and I cannot tell you how much I need you right now...

Best looking dog ever :)

Last updated June 11, 2014