Anxiety Writing in Life

There’s something about the build up of anxious thoughts that just builds and builds until I’m at a near perma-anxiety attack levels and then I come here and be like “I gotta write!” as though that’s some sort of… flushing of the toxic thoughts.

I don’t know what I have on my mind lately. There’s a lot of thoughts about time and running out of it, very mid-life crisis stuff. Follow your dream and give up the corporate slave trade race for “me time”

That and another kid on the way any day now.

Minor detail there.

At some point I feel like I should read my previous entry before posting because I feel that thematically they’re all pretty much the same “ahh life is crazy! Word Vomit This is fine, everything is fine now”

That’s not really how it goes, but I suppose anyone who reads this in order would probably know better than me…

Which is a shocking sentiment. You know me better than I know me some days.

I’m in this… hybrid mess between being shockingly self aware and confident in knowing that who I am is the Who I want to be but also teetering on the edge of a full blown identity crisis like “Yes I’m here, but my standing is fragile”

I’m working on getting a side gig kicked up but also pursuing it at a turtles pace. Like I’ll get there when I get there but also Why am I wasting so much time?

I think that’s the problem. Every thought I seem to be having these days is either black or white, like I forgot there’s a grey scale in the middle of those. I’m either full tilt or “meh” - This is a great idea or This is the dumbest pursuit ever.

Is it just crippling imposter syndrome? There’s something there, a question that I need to ask myself to unwrap these thoughts and put them to rest.

I’d like to get to the point of writing here every day (He says annually for his annual entry) but not something crazy large, just a tracking. Sort of paragraph entry “Here’s my day, Waking, Work, Home, Ellie’s bed time routine, planned relaxing time” sort of thing.

It’s also incredibly hard to plan anything right now. I think that’s it. I’m in that unpredictible Pre-baby state. Like I want to start setting up systems and organize things but also we’re going to have a new baby boy soon and that pretty much throws everything out the window.

I want to work on my art but I find that somewhere between Boring as hell and intensely fascinating with a side of hyper focus (Again, black meet white)

There’s no easy answers, never is really. But you certainly appreciate them when they’re there. (Grammar!)

I think back to who I was, a lot of times in my life. The continual look back on my different identities I’ve carried on my shoulders. The good the bad and the ugly. Who I am now, Who I was as a cook and Da Bartender. They’re all… fragments… of me, I think. But it’s that amalgamation of mistakes and lessons that has made me who I am today that is a Who that I am comfortable with.

It also helps that money isn’t an issue and I hate that. A lot. I wouldn’t say we’re rich because we don’t own a house and it’s hard to imagine doing so still, but I am writing this on a $4k desk and a $1.6k computer that are all thanks to my wife’s ability to save money. The… opportunity that it allows to live in a state of a comfortable mindset is really… bothersome. I’m trying to word this correctly so I’m not sounding like a poor winner. But I did live on the precipice of poverty for a great while, and I’ve still never made more than $30k a year in my entire life but there’s an… allowable level of thought… that if you’re worried about money… you just don’t have. Or I should say that “I didn’t have” I don’t know how You work, who are you even?

-A