Define in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Mum Update

Hey all,

I think I'm actually up to date on note replying and entry replying, if I've missed you out then please don't take offence it isn't anything personal, just poke me and I will get my act in order and reply to you accordingly.

As my last couple of distant entries have been regarding my mum, this one will continue a similar theme. I'm sad to say, as previously stated my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer, she has been in for both chemo / radium treatments from 11/03/2013 - 15/03/2013 (15/03/2013 radium only) she came home on 14/03/2013 exhausted from the treatments, I made sure the house was in perfect order for her so she didn't have to worry for anything and upon her return made her a meal.

I didn't expect her to eat all of the meal and had cleared it with her before hand to make something so it didn't go to waste, thankfully she had some of it and enjoyed it, it's important she put on weight and maintains eating even though she doesn't feel like it most of the time.

I'd planned on moving out come April / May as I had an opportunity regarding a house which was going to be ideal for me, sadly though with everything that is going on my mum has asked if I wouldn't mind staying, given the circumstances I don't mind and before anyone wonders it would not be my first time moving out, staying with my mum again was a temporary measure, however this has changed things slightly but my needs are secondary given hers at the moment.

Moving forward...

Uek

I find myself in a state of flux, I'm between personalities, the good, the bad, the outraged and the Uek, lol it sounds like a cow boy film. Uek (pronounced You-Eck) being the most dominate, the shield for everything, the side of myself I've always relied upon to defend myself against anything, now so efficient it never stops.

Uek was originally contrived for the purpose of good, to relate to other individuals in times of hardship / crisis but that was never his sole role, Uek was adapted to fend against everything, physical assaults, sexual assaults and understanding what it was that makes people who they are, the problem being that Uek doesn't really like people, in fact, only a select few really get to see him and even then he hates being seen, however when he's out, it can't be helped.

AFB / Writing To Escape

The other side of me, my alt diary / now this one, holding it all back is the person I strive to be, is the side under constant threat of breaking, the one I make bare everything on a day to day basis, it hurts, it is painful being where I am, constant secrets, constant reassurance, constant...

Then, then there is that part of me that needs justification from God...

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!

WHY WOULD YOU MAKE HER SUFFER, JUST TO GET TO ME?!

You've put me through some shit in my life God, rape, betrayal, manslaughter, suicide, more than I care to remember, but now you're aiming for murder too?!

How the fuck does anybody call you a justified, or merciful God, you go for the people closest to those of others, aren't you the silent assassin at this point? Is this our relationship now?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?

You took my best friend, you took my innocence, you had me fucking watch a friend's death, you have me literally gasping for breath and I can't take it anymore, why? Why? WHY?! TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE TO DO TO ANNOY YOU SO! PLEASE!

As a child

I suffered and became stronger just so I could help people, there are people in this world who are actually better because of me, there are people in this world I caught when they should have fallen and that be it. I helped them. I saved them. I never once wanted thanks or acknowledgment for them.

I took all that you put me through when I grew up as a punishment or test, hell knows, because that is what it felt like, those that know it in detail don't know why I'm still somewhat sane, hell even I don't know why.

I thought it was because I was strong, however you found a way to smack me so hard I have no choice but to choke and cough AGAIN, you have a sick sense of humour and this isn't something I can survive through guts or positive attitude because I have to trust you, don't I?

Look where that has gotten me so far? Sure I won't deny that I am far from perfect but I will never turn round and say I've ever done the wrong thing, I've always been right by people EVEN WHEN THEY DIDN'T DESERVE IT! I STILL HELPED!

Maybe I wouldn't be so pissed if this wasn't the second time you put her through this shit God. I'd have actually been okay if it was me, or as well as okay can be you know, at least then loved ones wouldn't have to suffer your 'mercy'.

I'm okay with you taking me down, you know I have nothing and aside from what I give to those who seek or sometimes stumble upon my advice, I have nothing to offer, but are you so vindictive that you really need to take people down in such ways? There is a better way, well there must be. We both know when it comes to me. all you need do is play 'that' song.

Please let my mother go and I will gladly give up myself as agreed.

Uek.

Last updated June 11, 2014