Update on Everything in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Hey all,

It has been a while since I have written, I didn't particularly want to go so long without writing but sadly my mind set has limited my ability to write anything in honesty. I find it difficult to express myself like I did just a few entries ago with my guards constantly up.

The truth is though that with these guards I can block anything out, no matter what the pain, the feelings are just numb to me and processed logically, the thoughts and feelings cannot get to me but this entire practice isn't healthy as I have come to realise over the years of doing it, sure it helps in a lot of senses regarding functionality for things but it limits you in many ways, fun for example is hardly an option.

Tonight I decided for the first time in weeks to lower these guards, it was the same as watching rain pour from the clouds, slow at first as you feel it wash over your cheeks and then you suddenly feel the pour drenching your face, still though, through this no feeling, just the bodies physical reaction to everything that has been going on and held back finally released. I can only release so many flood gates at once to maintain my balance and stability.

As I release each gate my emotions flood to the surface racing to get out, each dying to express themselves in whatever capacity they can, normally this is through a mix of tears and anger, rage and sorrow, an overzealous approach to being emotionally crippled is to over compensate ones emotional states when they are released, this tends to be the issue with me and when I do finally get free from shackling myself. I'll over share and put people off.

I often wonder if I am a good person from time to time, what is it that my friends see within me that I don't? I actively care so little for both friends and family on occasions it is untrue, it's not that I take such things for granted because I appreciate them when they are there and I am there for them. I just don't care in a traditional sense though, unless someone asks for help, why bother? Perhaps an ignorant approach to things but why suffer in silence is my motto, if you want help, ask for it.

The last paragraph brings me onto I suppose the main subject, do I want help? so far; no. I wish to be left alone, the meddling of family especially is pissing me off, social gatherings, fucking family meals, God it drives me nuts, I genuinely hate it. I'm anti-social at the best of times, especially around family gatherings as earlier entries have told, now though it seems we all need to keep getting together to discuss shit and talk about how we can all support my mother.

Seems I just hit the anger gate of my lock down because now I'm getting pissed. The family are playing all the right cards don't get me wrong, offering support both financially and emotionally but to me it seems so disingenuous it is sickening, this feels as though it is something to make themselves feel good as oppose to actually being helpful, don't get me wrong this is all about my mum so I'll not say a word regarding such a thing and if they want to throw money this way to make life easier for her, so be it. I just can't be bothered with the pretences or the gatherings for family / communal spirit, fuck that.

I watch my mother getting weaker and I admit it saddens me, there is nothing I can do except be strong for her as she gets upset, it's a burden being a rock, not in an inconvenient sense as I'm sure a lot of people understand but in an emotional rock sense for stability, I am alone. I don't open up to family because they are all crumbling and doing whatever they can in their own way to cope, my mum's sister is struggling and trying to use me at times as an emotional crutch, for fuck sake, ME?!?! The thought is laughable considering that aside from the initial impact of the news I've shown no emotion or indifference to the situation publicly at all, I just do what needs to be done, no questions asked to make it easier.

I want to state though that I expect her to make a recovery from this, the tumour is treatable they say, so I expect that to hold true, it is however difficult to rely on other people to sort such things out, listen to the song "How to save a life" by the "The Fray" and no further explanation is needed, especially if you've seen it in the context of Scrubs, you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Reaching down to get something from myself here feels like I'm having to break myself, reaching down my throat to force up emotions, it's not how it's meant to be but I know I close myself off to much to be honest on a daily basis, so I keep it buried and then unlock it later for here.

So how am I really feeling about all of this, about everything right now?

Well I feel like any son who has had to watch his mum go through chemo for the first time again in 25 years (her second, my first) a bit shit to be honest, but I refuse to accept anything other than victory when it comes to this, it's time to turn off the faucets that are my eyes and focus once again.

March 11th she will go into hospital for Radium and Chemotherapy together for intense treatment, this will hopefully shrink the tumour if not eradicate it entirely, although there will be around 2 weeks' worth more of treatments after March 11th at some stage.

Last updated June 12, 2014