It Is What It Is in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance
- July 6, 2022, 10:57 p.m.
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- Public
I despise that this space has become almost exclusively a place for lament. I had such higher hopes for it. OH WELL.
I think, as stupid as it might seem, that I really need someone even semi-attractive to me to flirt a little. It sounds terrible but… before I was married… I was cute. I didn’t have sex or engage in frivolous relationships (which… I’m thinking… was a huge fucking mistake) but my “I don’t know, I don’t feel great about myself or my appearance” typically had a bit of a buffer with at least… someone flirting… at least a little… at least every once in a while.
Then… the Chronic Pain Diagnosis… and the getting older… and the now EX wife using so much of our time together to tell me that she wasn’t asexual… I just was too fat and unattractive. And now… what my life has become. I just… I’m in a place where… I don’t even want it to go anywhere really. I would just… like to feel like I was attractive. Like someone found me worthy of affection. YES- clearly something to take to my therapist. I just… so much “build up of issues” during the marriage… and then for my only “release” or “exception” after the split being.... a Hyper Sexual woman that didn’t actually want me much… or often… or apparently at all..... then… well.... what happened to start 2021. And how that was the last physical contact of an amorous, romantic, or sexual nature. I know I’m a broken record. I know it doesn’t make sense. But there seems to be a recurring theme, I suppose.
I waited for my wife and thought “My years and years of celibacy are at an end.”
I was wrong.
After my wife essentially told our Marriage Counselor that I was too fat to fuck (at 5‘7 and 220 lbs) and that a marriage of Serve Her and Shut Up was exactly as far as she was willing to do.... I figured… okay. So, leaving the wife means I won’t have year after year after year of NO HOPE at even so much as an amorous lip to lip kiss. At least the possibility exists.
I know I’ve got too much going on anyway. New job. Selling a house. Packing the house to finish buying a new house to move into. There’s a lot going on. I just… I could use the ego pick me up, I guess.
And the longer I go without anything like it… the more I start to believe (consciously or not) that the Ex-Wife was right. Maybe possessing a gut does make me too fat for kindness, affection, or sexual interest.
❤️vee ⋅ July 06, 2022
I don't consider having a gut to be unattractive, it's more about personality of a person. A body is just a shape made up of tissue, I want what's between the ears more than whatever else physically a person has or doesn't have.
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ July 06, 2022
You frustrate me dude. Because I understand what you're talking about, and I've felt a lot of the same shit. It does get into your head, the way women really can't understand. But you know, there are 10000 women on ProseBox. Have you ever considered you could talk to them, ask questions about their relationships, their interests, to get to understand who women are, what they want, how they think, how they feel. ProseBox is a bonanza of opportunity for maturing as a man. It's the perfect place to learn more about women, and then use that knowledge in real life to build relationships with women. You'd be surprised.
Fawkes Gal ⋅ July 07, 2022
You seem to pin a lot of your feelings of positivity about yourself around how other people make you feel. You will always feel down on yourself if you live your life always relying on the words and actions of other people to build you up to make you feel good about yourself. I think you'd manage a more genuine and lasting contentment if you can get to the point where your self esteem comes from you and how you feel about yourself, rather than from how you think other people feel about you.