Some mornings I wake up and I just can't quit crying. It's been a little over 5 months since my grandpa passed away, but so much longer since I've been able to talk to him and have him respond. I miss him.
I stopped writing around the time I found out he had cancer a few years ago because I can't write without crying and I always have people around me. Even now, I'm at school in between classes writing this with tears running down my face, regretting my decision to come here.
I avoid talking to my family about it, I'm pretty sure they either think I'm in denial or that I'm cold-hearted.
So how do you treat someone that has the opposite symptoms you think they have?
I spend every day trying to be at peace, trying to avoid the things that will make me cry at inopportune moments so that no one sees me break-down. When I have time, I spend it contemplating the universe and my existing, and the afterlife so I can somehow feel closer to him and let my emotions go. I take one day, one thing at a time, step by step. I fail, I pick myself back up and I keep going. Some days are harder than others. If I stick to my guns, follow my intuition, and do what I feel is right, I will be happy - that is one formula I have to always remember to follow. I tend to not trust myself a lot.
All the while, I am haunted by the last image I had of my grandpa, laying there cold & life-less. He was like a 2nd father to me since my parents were both under 18 when they had me.
No one wrote an obituary for him, not for lack of having people that loved him, I just don't think any of us could bring ourselves to do it. I know that's why I didn't. I would like to write one for him sometime soon and create a tribute webpage. I think it will help with closure for me.
Work has never gotten any easier even though I keep on going everyday by convincing myself that it will. I suppose the only reason it is any easier at all is because I've matured & learned how to deal with people and cope with things better. I repeat over and over to myself, "As long as I go home knowing I did the best job I could possibly do, I will be happy and have no regrets." Saying that to myself in it's many variations helps somehow.
I would like to start writing a lot more again. Not even just in the capacity that I'm doing right now where I just try to pour my heart out, but in a professional sense. Writing is a good job for the mentally unstable like me, we don't have to clock in or be relied upon for a certain time or day, which has always felt unnatural to me even though I've gotten my attendance issues 100% in check at this point.
The reason I never decided to be a writer is because I have no confidence in my capabilities to do so. So I'd rather clock-in everyday and work with other people even though it feels completely unnatural...
So. My plan is to attempt to start writing a book. I have no idea what about yet. I just know I want to try & have it done by the time I graduate from college in the Spring. So that gives me almost a year. I'll continue on the path I'm on that leads me straight into 9-5 oblivion and if writing pans out, great; if it doesn't, I have a fall-back.
Time to clean myself up and have a cig before my next class.
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