Sad & Solo in Working Again

I am glad I have a welding job now. I like that I’m making my own money again and the pay isn’t too bad. I’m able to take care of myself and that is good enough for me.

I try not to journal about people so I can remain in my lane and not build up something more than what it is or get myself into a bad situation with someone. BUT I will now. I need to get this out.

Well, let’s cut the chase (if that’s how it’s said). There is a male that caught my eyes at some point at work. I remember seeing him near the entrance and he was operating the crane. I liked his appearance in all ways and wondered who he is. Someone I call ‘SEXY’ rather than just cute. That is BIG coming from me. So, time after time I realize he works the night shift, once I finally moved to nights. I hardly pay attention to other people because I’m usually just in my own world and minding my business. [I’m doing well at not getting caught up trying to have a social life and not trying to impress anyone.] Well, I haven’t really seen him around much since they night shift workers are all new faces for me. One day I went into the lunch/break room to get my food from the fridge and just so happen to walk pass the table he was sitting at. I wasn’t looking directly at him but in my peripheral vision I saw someone look up at me and looked down quickly as in that thing people do when they are surprised to see someone and then look away quickly. So as I was still heading to the fridge I was wondering who the heck seem to have some sort of fascination for me that they had to hide the attention they gave me. I got my food and turned around, making sure I see who the person was. As I’m walking back to the door I look hard at him and this is what I thought: “OMG, it’s the really small cute one that I like!”. I wouldn’t think he would even look at me if he ever even noticed me. He always seemed to be minding his own business too. With that last part being said…

After some time, I feel that we both definitely acknowledge each other. He DOES seem shy like me and he does mind his own business. The thing is… he does things sometimes that is so comedic, making me laugh. Sometimes I do wonder if he is even trying to be silly or he’s being serious with himself and I just find it cute or silly in what he does. And his walk… I love the slow thing he does. I also think he likes being looked at. He is a show off sometimes and he is making sure I see him. We only do the “look at each other” thing. We have spoken to each other once but that is about it. We need a specific reason to speak to each other for it to happen even though I was the one that said/did something for him to say something to me. I think it’s that we both are scared to say something but we also can’t go “out of our way” to say something. Also, I have no clue what to even say to him. I guess I will have to just keep waiting for the moment as we are in line next to each other ready to clock out. That is the closes we ever get. The only time we “spend together” laughing at myself and shaking my head at myself. It’s like we can talk to each other in a specific way without actually saying anything… being cautious of each other I guess. If that makes any sense.

Here is one thing: He likes to go to my area and look for contact tips that people throw on the ground. I finally noticed a while after he did that a few times of what he was collecting. So one time, he came over doing his sexy slow walk along the line seeking on the ground. I keep my contact tips too so I got (what word is best to put here) smart, excited for him to come near me so I can hand him the one I kept. Well I wasn’t sure how he would react. I was so scared that he would reject it or pretend he didn’t even see me but he looked right over at my hand. The look on his face is all I can think of now. I felt so proud of myself because not only I got a “Thank you” from him but I got to see his surprised reaction and one of the best smiles ever as he looked at me. My heart. I think that gesture was a good move to take because, with our secret communication, I let him know something that I felt was definitely something he was hoping for.

Now, I’m not expecting this to turn into anything but a platonic relationship would be appreciated, if it leads to that. If we even become friends, I would be happy with that.

Last updated June 25, 2022