2am virtual trip to Poland in Stories to bide the time.

  • June 16, 2022, 5:55 a.m.
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Half our team is in Krakow and this insane deadline is still looming over us like a dark cloud filled with pus and rats and purple lightning cancer.

So After working nine straight hours from 9-6, then eating dinner, then hopping back on from 8-9, then checking in at 11 to verify some work a developer had just completed. I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep before waking up again at 2am to start delegating tasks to some of the Polish team so we could have some feature complete work ready for QA by the morning.

The great part is that when the morning rolled around (the time is now) the entire build on Staging broke so the work I had tasked out was blocked, and I basically woke up in the middle of the night for nothing.

Riveting, I know…but this is all consuming for me right now, so I’m typing it out because I just need to type it out. I’m sorry, this part really wasn’t for anyone else’s enjoyment. I should put a trigger warning up there or something. Like, “Hey, do you hate being bored? Well then TRIGGER WARNING: BORING CONTENT AHEAD”

That’s how trigger warnings work, right?

I actually just unfriended someone on social media who’s had it coming for quite some time now, but the last straw was when she posted something about child molesters, so then I commented back something about child molesters, and she was like, “WHAT THE FUCK?!?! YOU NEED TO GIVE ME A TRIGGER WARNING BEFORE YOU GO POSTING STUFF ABOUT CHILD MOLESTERS! I WAS MOLESTED!”

I was like, “Uh…you literally just posted something about child molesters, without a trigger warning, and I was just replying…in context…here’s a trigger warning for you: GO FUCK YOURSELF”

Double standards are fun.
Man, I remember when “woke” used to be a term that was intrinsically bound to a spiritual awakening…becoming a kinder, more tolerant person. Becoming the best version of yourself.
But just like everything…the masses fucking ruined it.
I’m so woke, I actively try to increase my carbon footprint in the hopes that humanity dies faster.
I got your back, Gaia.

Anyway…

Last night while I was inbetween work, I hit the treadmill and took this book with me. It’s all about how to deal with and squash intrusive thoughts. It’s pretty amazing.
I ended up reading it for another 40 pages or so after I was done with the treadmill. I really like what I’m reading so far. It’s put a lot of stuff into context for me.
I’m hoping by the time I get finished I’ll be handle these thoughts because I seriously can’t take it anymore…one in particular.

Every single day I am obsessed that this is going to be the last day I live. Or the day I die. I dunno…it’s just this…feeling that follows me around, these thoughts, I am going to die any second now. And maybe that’s why my son is clingy with me? Maybe he knows his dad is going to die any day now so he’s trying to get as much time with me as possible?
And then that thought breaks my heart

But see…I can now sit here and logically recognize this as an intrusive thought that holds no merit. I think I’m going to have a heart attack, or something…but heart attacks don’t run in my family.
But I think, “Well, ever since Covid I have had a tightness in my chest”
But also, since covid, I have been to the doctor for a physical and she said that my heart was fine, except that my blood pressure is slightly high, but I can fix that with exercise and losing weight, because I am overweight.

I’ve never been overweight before and I’ve never had high blood pressure before.
So since last night I’m trying to remind myself…I’m not dying. I feel bad because I haven’t been taking care of my body. If I start taking care of my body, I can feel good again.

So last night for dinner we had steak and broccoli
My wife just found out she has gestational diabetes (she had this with our son too) so we decided no more takeout, we’re cooking at home, we’re doing the gluten free low carb low sugar thing…basically going back to paleo. We felt so good when we were doing paleo.

But honestly, living in San Diego…being surrounded by the worlds best Mexican food (Yeah, Mexico, I said it) it’s hard not to just go eat Mexican food all day every day.

But we’ve got this.

Tonight we’re doing lettuce wrapped burgers, 50/50 lean beef and mild Italian sausage mix. The Italian sausage helps the lean beef not taste like lean beef. (But Dane, isn’t that counter-productive) and to that I say, “NO! It’s a SPICY-A-MEAT-A-BALL” (oh my god, that’s so racist against Italians)

We’re going to throw some provolone cheese and basil on that hot mama, too, with some pesto…oh whaaaaat? You can just do that?
YEAH
You can literally do anything you want!
No one will tell you this, but you can.
You can go to the park and just take a fucking duck if you can catch it.
You can literally do anything.

Oh yeah…I skipped ahead towards the end of this intrusive thoughts book and I noticed this section that was like, “When to seek professional help” so my curiosity forced me to read it. And the last section was like, “If you experience ‘Agitation’ you should seek immediate help, it is a sign of something more serious, like bipolar disorder” and then it went to list out what constitutes “agitation” and I was like....”yup…that’s me…so…does this book not help me then, or…?”

So you know
Maybe I’m fucked?

Yo ho
Ya scurvy scalliwags
Until next time
I love ya like I love my momma and my rum
And treasure
And eye patches
- Dane


gattaca June 16, 2022

pus and rats and purple lightning cancer
I gotta save that one.

I don't give trigger warnings. They're like 'fucks'. I don't give those either.
I'm off all social media, save this and my LinkedIn. It's very liberating.
I don't think I'm overstating when I say that social media will be the ruin of us all.

Superposition gattaca ⋅ June 18, 2022

I agree with you. I hate social media. I was off Facebook for about 2 years during the pandemic, but came back to it because I haven't been really taking breaks at work lately, so my "breaks" are just checking social media and this site...not really super great, but it's where I'm at. Eff.

These red flag laws actually have me a little freaked out...I think a bunch of my friends who think they're super progressive are the same kinds of assholes who would have totally complied when the nazis took over. They think they're free thinkers, but they're just subscribers...so I took down any and all posts that had to do with my guns. I think guns are cool, but there's been this fanatical push against them recently...I'm not one of those "You're going to have to pry my guns from my cold dead hands" kind of guy...but honestly...they're gonna have to pry my guns from my cold dead hands.

In our neighborhood the cops don't fucking do anything, and it's so common to hear gunshots that we don't even flinch. We have drug addicted homeless people crawling all around our neighborhood. A couple of hotels that are trap and flop shops. Drug dealers and tricks all over the place. It's a bad scene to raise a family, but it's the only place we can afford a 3 bedroom apartment. And we can't move out of San Diego because we need to stay within a certain distance of my bonus daughters' dad. And he doesn't want to move...which I don't understand. He's worse off than we are. He lives in a one bedroom and his neighborhood has even more homeless people wandering around on drugs. I think there's a lot less gun violence in his neighborhood though. Apparently our streets are "protected" by the pirus, which...hell, if the cops aren't going to do anything, at least someone is watching the streets.

But it doesn't inspire a lot of confidence.

So yeah, I gotta protect my family. And there will be food shortages. There was already a baby formula shortage, it's already happened. A lot of people are so easy to dismiss "It was only baby formula" but like...yeah, it's only the food that our most vulnerable citizens, what we deem as "the future" needs to survive and develop without serious consequence, no big deal.

Now we have thousands of cows dying from "heat", thousands of chickens had to be put down because of one case of bird flu. Packaging factories are burning down...I dunno...we're stocked up. But when people get hungry people do crazy shit.

We already have a ton of breakins and home invasions in the area...it'll only get worse.

So yeah...I'm keeping em.

gattaca Superposition ⋅ June 18, 2022

I manage to stay in touch with friends/family without the need for Faceplant and Twatter. The aggro level on FB got so bad (even among friends) I said fuck it, I didn't need this. Zuckerbux will never make a dime in revenue from me.

I keep guns in the house. A Remington 870 12 gauge and a SIG P320 short. This is Tucson. Homicides have set new records 2 years back to back. In fact, Tucson's per-capita homicide rate is 50% over that of LA's in 2021. I've been here for 17 years and since Covid, it's like John Carpenter's Escape From New York in Tucson Metro. The county, where I am, is not quite so bad. But there's cartel activity.
I get it that mounting uncertainly is causing a lot of people to tune out and revert to their baser selves, but I will not a casualty of that.

I am a firm believer in Castle Doctrine.

Superposition gattaca ⋅ June 18, 2022

Sounds like we've got about the same setup. I've got a Maverick 80/80 12 gauge and a Glock 22 40. The Glock is more for fun than anything, I wouldn't dare shoot it off in my apartment, that thing would rip through someone and then through a wall and then potentially through someone else. I don't want that happening.

And yeah, our area was a pretty quiet little suburb of San Diego before the pandemic. Well...ESPECIALLY before the BLM shit. I went and marched with them. We shut down freeways and all of that good stuff. I took off when they started throwing shit at the cops. I was standing face to face with a bunch of cops in riot gear and then rocks started flying over my head and I just have too much to lose for that shit. So I longboarded home...the fuck of it all is that this all happened just a few blocks down the street from where we live, and they burned down a bunch of buildings, looted a bunch of others, and then it was just helicopters, gun shots, and explosions all night. We were already locked down but then they put us on curfew for a couple weeks after that...then the police just gave up and it's never been the same since.

I was all for a protest, but the shit that went down was something I can't get behind.

You want to burn down some buildings? Cool, let's burn down some banks, some government buildings...fuck, I dunno something that makes a difference. Not mom and pop shops. It doesn't make sense to me...we're mad that these people are destroying our communities, so we're going to go out and destroy our communities?

What? Like, "No one fucks up my neighborhood but me!"

What is that?

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