Sure would be a shame if... in Stories to bide the time.

  • June 10, 2022, 2:28 p.m.
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  • Public

…someone replaced all your creamer with mayonnaise

I can’t stop thinking about putting mayonnaise in coffee.
I don’t even use creamer, I drink my coffee African-American like a real man.

We went camping and bought some instant coffee…it’s called “Death Wish” and it has a skull and crossbones on it because…I’m just fucking hardcore, okay? That’s why. God.
It’s like…you wake up in the morning and you’re like, “This again? I’d rather die.” and then someone was like, “That’s it! You know how when you wake up you just wish you were dead? Well I’ll make some coffee that will either kill you or wake you up…probably wake you up, actually because if the coffee killed people I’d probably go to prison.” and now that person wakes up every morning as a business owner…which in 2022 probably just makes them want to die even harder than before.

Could you imagine being a business owner in 2022? What a shitshow.
Unless your business was…I dunno…manufacturing viruses…or making weapons to send to Ukraine…or being an oil company…or I dunno, something about global warming. Did I cover Monkeypox with the whole manufacturing viruses thing? I think I did, right?

Remember when AIDS was known as the gay disease and people said it was because some guy had sex with a monkey, and now we have MonkeyPox and it’s supposed to be a gay disease? What the actual fuck is happening, people? Why is there a god damn fucking Top Gun movie? Why is Tom Cruise still allowed to make movies? GIVE THAT MAN MONKEYPOX NOW!

Remember the murder hornets and what a disappointment that was?

Imagine if someone you knew was murdered by murder hornets. Everyone you told would be like, “Holy shit that’s so hardcore.” and then they’d take a sip of their Death Wish coffee.

whatever. man

I don’t even have anything to say, as I’m sure you have probably gathered by now. I’m really just avoiding work. Today is Friday, which is usually a time of great anxiety for me because it means the weekend is coming and the weekend means that Monday is coming, and Monday coming means that I’m stuck in a fucking Sisyphean nightmare loop of waiting for Friday until I fucking die.

Anyway

So today is Friday…and I work through the weekend…which somehow makes me feel better about Monday, but worse about Friday…at least until Sunday gets here. Then I’m probably going to be REAL bitter about Monday and then the next Friday won’t be able to get here fast enough and then THAT weekend is going to really fucking suck because I will have not had a weekend in so long that I know for sure the weekend I do get is just going to disappear.

Oh, and it’s Father’s day. Which, on the one hand is super coo because we will go up to Orange County and hang with my dad, and also…I guess I’m a dad, so we’ll stand around a grill and watch the meat cook and talk about flipping it, and probably talk about gas prices, and maybe turn off some lights that someone left on…you know, dad stuff.

Also, that weekend there is a hot sauce festival happening down in the bay and I think I’m going to go do that. They have this $125 ticket that’s all you can eat BBQ, craft beer, craft cocktails, and private bathrooms and a separate seating area for the live music, and a gift bag, and a bunch of bottles of hot sauce in the gift bag, and then you just go around asking people to put their hot sauce on your meat…I guess? I don’t know, it’s the first annual hot sauce party, or convention or whatever…which always bothers me when they’re like “1st annual” like…hey buddy, slow the fuck down. That’s EXTREMELY optimistic of you to assume we’re going to make it to next year.

Let’s see…

This last weekend we had a big ol’ baby shower and that was fun. It wasn’t a real baby shower…like, everyone and anyone that we love was invited, and there weren’t any dumb baby shower games. We just set up in the park and had tons of food and drinks and like 40 people came from all over. We had people from LA, OC, SLC…okay I guess not all over, just those places. But it was a good time. A group of about 10 of us went back to our place and then we all stayed up until like midnight and the kids stayed up too (not until midnight obviously) so we kept them home from school, and then we all went to the beach the next day.

Ummm…what else can I write to avoid working???

Uh…they’re paying me $1400 a day on Saturday and Sunday, so I’m complaining about working, but also I’m going to cry all the way to the bank.

What else…what else…

Fuck

I think I’m out of stuff to ramble about.

Okay
Well…it’s been fun.
Thanks for letting me talk at you.
I love you and I hope you’re doing great wherever you are, whoever you’re with, whatever you’re doing. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re not letting life get you down too hard. It’s tough out there. But keep your chin up and savor the good moments.
This will all be over soon.
- Dane


gattaca June 10, 2022

I just saw this is passing.
You could destabilize entire governments by swapping their creamer with mayonnaise. Maybe that's what we should do.
I've got some Death Wish ground coffee at the house. They really should offer whole bean. I checked out their website. The employees all look happy...and wired.

Superposition gattaca ⋅ June 10, 2022

Did we just start a global revolution? I think we just started a global revolution!

Also, I had no idea they had ground coffee. Where did you find it? I think I'd like some. I am extremely pleasantly surprised that not only does the instant coffee not taste like shit stained toilet paper, but that I actually enjoy it!

gattaca Superposition ⋅ June 10, 2022

It's right here:
https://www.deathwishcoffee.com/collections/coffee

I keep some instant around in case of nuclear holocaust. I am an unrepentant coffee snob.

Barbara Bad June 10, 2022

I love reading you, you have a wonderful way with words

Superposition Barbara Bad ⋅ June 10, 2022

Thank you, it's a disorder. haha

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