time in Songs

The feeling is out of time, like deja vu, a little disorienting. It makes you second guess, even though you never even posited your first guess, which was, “this will always be the same”.

Lately I find myself looking around and thinking, “this will be different one day.”

I feel like I’ve lived so many lives by now that

Maybe it’s because I’m starting school Thursday, a change I made two years ago, but left incomplete, never really changed even though I decided on it. I kept resolute, and now, two years later is finally one day. The change I’m making now though is completely different than the change I had intended initially, but isn’t that how it usually goes? Except now, even though I know it will be different, I still want to make the change.

I’m also having my boyfriend move in soon. It somehow doesn’t seem like a big change because we’ve lived together before with other roommates, and we spend so much time together already as is. On the other hand it is a big change. Our dynamic will change, our personal home lives will change, our relationship might even change… my home environment will change in the way where everything’s the same but then it’s different.

My garden grows in the back. I’m looking forward to the tomatoes this year. It is the first year that the plants come from all saved seeds. I hope it’s worth it.

Work is changing too… we’re on the verge of finishing up some big projects that’ll allow our expansion. I may get a new team member, maybe a new work van. I wonder if my co-worker will stand by her idea that she’ll be putting in her notice in June… That’s what she told Me months ago.

Lately, though, I’ve been stuck on the idea of “this will be different one day,” as I’m looking around my room. As I’m looking around the backyard at my office. Being in a place and knowing one day it will look different.