the busy but doomed musical phrase in Sometimes I feel dead inside

its been a sobering month, i came to find my last close friend i had things in common with has passed me. hes getting married, he skipped the lets have fun part and went straight to old boring man. i’m want so badly to party like its the last time its going to happen, cause i knew that it really was. it was supposed to be a good bye to that part of life. but the funeral never came, i never got to wave as it was over. i was just left with the empty feeling that i somehow was left behind. i was something to be boxed up and put away with childish things. my thirst for a life of amazing experience, adventure, of doing things no one would believe, no longer a plus but now seen as youthful antics. it doesn’t seem that way to me, it doesn’t feel like i’m as old as my friends are, i don’t understand how they have gone in such a different direction. am i doing something wrong? i mean i do expect to wake up any day and be back at my parents house at the age of 17 with the years since being a weird dream. i don’t know. i’ve also found after a quick bout with sleep paralysis that i’m terrified of not being able to move. being conscious being able to feel things but being unable to move i’m already not a fan of tight spaces for a similar reason. being stuck, unable to move, trapped whether its in a tights space or in my own body is for some reason horribly frightening. its got me thinking maybe its time for a change in location, or life plan or something. i mean i don’t know. i don’t want to leave i feel like some amazing stuff is just starting for me. but theres the other side of that where i’m ready to walk away, whatever mission i had planned for this place has failed, whatever goals i had never came to fruition. i can’t blame it on a relationship or lack thereof, thats never really mattered much to me. i enjoy the plusses of a good one, but don’t feel lost because i happen to be by myself for a couple minutes. no its the other stuff. i moved to this city for a handful of reasons, the biggest being i wanted to get away from where i was. now its not escape that would be the reason i’d leave but boredom, maybe apathy. which is lame. but like some of my favorite songs that start out with a busy phrase they take that minor note in the progression and the whole thing sounds sad or doomed. maybe i’m just listening for the minor note.