I’m trying to stay out of my head because I’ve been having panic attacks for days now. I’m stressing out so much about this trip to Thailand because I feel like I have no control over how it goes, when the truth is I’ve never had control.
I wish my vacation was over already. I still have another month of vacation and it’s just driving me nuts. I’ve been acting totally crazy… which is not true because I’ve been acting just like I was in California before I moved to Thailand. It did not help that last week was a holiday… like the whole fucking week… so I didn’t even have my part-time teaching classes to give me stability.
I sleep when I want, go drink when I want, there’s absolutely no gravity to my life. I can’t go back to that, it was a very bad place for me to live in. I need to have some kind of stability and routine, but it’s incredibly hard for me to start that process knowing that, if I successfully get back from Cambodia, I will have to create a whole new routine when I start my job.
I’m trying to keep my head up and be calm, but it’s not easy. It took me 3 weeks to do laundry because I was just so out of it mentally. I need the world to start spinning again.