On Motherhood in A new era

Mother’s Day is a week and a bit away here and if I’m honest I’m finding it all very triggering and confronting.

When we were going through IVF for V, I made an insta account to connect with other women going through the same thing. There’s a whole community online and I valued it immensely.

There was a part of me that didn’t quite fit in, I was perfectly fertile and had the tests to prove it. I was having IVF for male factor infertility so there was always a slight element of imposter syndrome. At the time, going through treatment, the first failed transfer and subsequent success, I was one of the gang I suppose. Wondering if Joey and I would ever have the family we wanted so badly. And then we did and automatically your role changes in the infertility community.

I’m not going to lie, I spent many a year crying in the baby section buying gifts for friends, mostly that was due to being single rather than waiting fertility treatment. Wondering if I’d ever meet a guy and have a family. Mother’s Day wasn’t a massive trigger, I had my own mum to celebrate and the pondering on my own future children was just a footnote in the background.

This year, the whole year of firsts. Mum very neatly passed on the 27th December, the end of the year, meaning by the end of this year, all the firsts without her will be done. All the occasions, big days, holidays. This is the first one that’s really bothered me, it’s bound to, it’s literally a day to celebrate women and motherhood.

I think what’s also playing on my mind is Joey. I know my brother in law has the emotional intelligence to make the day special for my sister, and to understand why she’s going to find it incredibly difficult. Joey, we’ll he has the emotional intelligence of an ant. It’s like the boy can literally turn his brain off.

I know we’re not together but we do small things for holidays, birthdays etc. I always choose a small gift with V for him, and he does the same. I usually steer her towards something thoughtful or useful, and he usually ends up in home bargains with her buying useless tat, but the thought is there at least!

I know he’s going to suggest going for lunch or coffee with V, and I know he won’t understand when I’m miserable and likely short tempered. It’s just going to be a very difficult day for me.

I know it’s a day to celebrate my motherhood too, but it’s a stark reminder of everything that’s missing. I miss my mum terribly, I miss the mundane chats, the conversations when I’m at my wits end with V and her tantrums. I feel like I’m at a point where I need her listening ear and advice and guidance more than ever, and I just miss it dreadfully.

In the back of my mind I sometimes think about another child too. I never imagined having just one. I mean, she’s a pretty good one, tantrums aside, but it’s not what the picture of parenthood was in my mind.

I actually always imagined I’d end up with a handful of boys. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock of them telling me she was a girl when they held her up - I actually asked them to check again! I definitely didn’t imagine having just one baby.

There are days when I wonder if I’ll meet someone and have another one. I suppose I’d have to make an effort to actually put myself out there. And I know there is always the possibility of step children/siblings for V which can be just as much a treasured relationship. It’s a scary prospect sometimes. I did pretty much the whole of IVF and pregnancy with Joey arsing about in the background, and the whole of V’s life has been me while he pays lip service to how much he loves her and wants to spend time with her while providing the minimal amount of physical and financial support he can get away with.

I can’t imagine having another pregnancy and baby with someone who adores them and is interested in everything. That’s just not been my experience. As difficult as it was, and as nice as it would have been to have someone who was bothered, about both of us, I’ve also never had to share her. As amazing as it would be to share the bad bits, the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the hard days, it’s also quite a nice thought that I’ve never had to share the good bits. All the best things that have happened to V are mine and mine alone. I haven’t had to share her, I’m the person she comes to, happy or sad. And while it’s hard to be a small persons everything, I don’t know how I’d feel if I did it again and had to share.

I’d hope the joy of seeing my baby having a wonderful relationship with their father would eclipse any other emotion. It’s all hypothetical anyway, ramblings of the girl who’s been celibate for over 4 years.

So, lots to ponder over the coming days. I just know that my overwhelming urge to hide under the covers and ignore the day can’t happen.