Closing Chapters. in Life In The Now.

It's in those moments when you're alone, listening to the rain fall, you close your eyes and all you can think of is everything that happened, it's like a movie it's so surreal and you don't think human beings should go through such things but there we are watching life helplessly tear us down, reshape us, moulding us into something, somebody else. The past ten months since have been such a blur. I've focused so much on moving forward that I know I haven't dealt with the feelings I felt back then or what has happened in the interim. I'm not going for a depressing entry, although it may turn out that way. I am just going to deal with what it is I felt and what it is I feel so I can move on and close some of the chapters in my life.

Every time I revisit that place I can't do so without welling up, without being vulnerable, it is like being run through over and over again. I need to tend to that wound but it goes deep and when I look inside I see 'everything' not just what happened with my mum, but also what has happened with so many whom I've lost over the years, all of those events, those passing's that turned me into someone who could only view things through negativity for so long.

My close friend asked me why I was so negative on myself and the truth was that I always felt that the shadows were where I needed to be to help people, there I could place myself in their position with ease, every time getting to relive each and every one of my own battles, failings and tragedies, it seemed so perfect that I could guide people out of their darkness in the best possible way.

I was always stood on the outside of myself, asking how could you all relate to me? I wanted somebody to know me, understand me, feel what it was to be me and to experience me, all the while ultimately rejecting and never wanting anybody to ever experience who I was or what I felt it meant to be me deep down. I had a ferocious hatred of intimacy. I hated people 'getting to know me' I hated people trying to understand me and those who couldn't I had no time for.

The truth was / is, nobody ever had a chance to understand me or who I was then, there was always a glorious element of mystery but there was always a truth in being lonely, closing yourself off to who you really are and shutting yourself down on what you've been through makes you impossible to every truly be understood.

*I know I'm unique in a lot of ways with my life experiences, yet I still pulled off being an arrogant ass brilliantly to those I didn't find worth even 5 seconds of my time. *

When I pull at myself more, how often is it I referred to myself as unique? It gave me the excuse I needed to deal with everybody else's problems but my own because that was my purpose.

In some ways I think back and feel I have wasted years but I don't hold regret because at that point it was what I wanted, to be unique, to help people and to isolate myself so much that thanks and praise were irrelevant to me, it was all just done because I needed that person then to have some greater purpose in life. I look back at myself then and whilst always negative, struggling and doing everything for others and not for myself, a part of me wanted redeeming, another wanted to be lost forever and the rest had never awakened.

I look at some of the people I kept in contact with who I helped a long time ago and it is nice to see who they have become, to know I had a small part in stopping them from doing things that could have otherwise put them on a different path.

By that same token though I look at those whom I've failed. I've lost a few people to suicide and I felt at the time it was my fault, as though I should have done more, made a difference. The guilt of one of them especially still weighs heavily on me and I feel that there are moments in life where something so extraordinary happens that is so beyond you that when it hits you, words cannot describe what it does.

I remember her death so vividly, my world stood still as the realisation set in, if I could replay that moment back, if you listened intently enough you could hear a crack form in my heart and soul; that day I began a journey into a downward spiral.

*Ask yourself:

Is there anything sadder than seeing somebody you love fall?

Their light extinguished to burn no more..

It all just disappears...*

In death we tend to personify people as perfect versions of themselves, truth be told in many ways I am guilty of this too. I look back and tend to remember both the good and the bad but it is always one sided isn't it? I strip away the bad to feel better about the good, it makes me feel as though things could have turned out differently; but when I take away the filter; it all changes.

I saw someone in so much pain whom I wasn't capable of helping back then, my experiences weren't where they needed to be to help her and I feel guilty for not having gone through what I needed to much earlier so I could see the signs, but now I am older. I've been through a lot and even now when I look back on it, with a heavy heart I have to say that there was nothing I could do. It wasn't my fault and no matter what, she would have found a way to still depart from this world.

When it really counts, when it really matters I've never been one to accept letting someone I care for down. When it really matters I do everything I can for that person, sometimes though it isn't enough and no matter what I do, it will never been enough, sadly this is a fact of life that I can't escape any more and some things our outside of my control.

Although the above is true. I'll never be able to stop fighting either.

From inside of that wound that I considered a void for so long I can finally feel who I once was climbing out again. I have a ways to go and some internal metaphoric Everest's to climb but I'll do it.

Be well all,

G

Last updated May 31, 2014