Relationships and Mentoring in Life

Lately I’ve found myself on a new avenue in life. I’ve found that people are starting to respect me and dare I say even like me. This is something that I’m probably being melo-dramatic about (as oft is the case) but there’s this certainty about it that there wasn’t before.

Being a mentor at 38 is much different than my first role as a leader at 25ish. When I was 25 I felt like I was the blind leading the blind. like “why are you looking at me, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing” and now, although in my own life that sentiment hasn’t changed, there’s still a confidence that maybe on some topics I do know what the fuck I’m doing.

Even in writing that sentence there’s so much uncertainty that it’s embarrassing.

When I moved to Ottawa 3 years ago? How many leases have we been through… 2 years ago… and change…

When I moved to Ottawa not so long ago, I left a lot of friends behind, friendships that under the strain of distance were just not as sincere as they used to be. Granted I’m certain I could still rely on those people because they’re great people but that’s not the point.

When I moved to Ottawa not so long ago, I left a lot behind. Under the idea that I’d rebuild up here. I’d do it all again, and make new friends and discover new places to explore and feel safe in!

Then Covid.

“Tale as old as timeeeee”

But essentially, no friends. Or limited friends. A lot of the people I call friends now are actually co-workers. (Don’t worry I’m getting to the point eventually, it’s just going to take me a minute) As is the situation for a lot of older people, it’s not like I’m going to the bar or a communal knowledge centre like school to meet people by happenstance. But the people that I’m meeting at work now. The people I’m building relationships with at work now, see me as a Lead, or a mentor for some of them. When I talk they listen with big eyes and (Generally) quiet faces.

And I’m not used to that. Or rather, not sure of how to walk the tightrope that is the relationship triangle that is a Leader, Mentor and a Friend.

When I message people outside of work about stupid meme stuff are they seeing a text and going “Oh it’s just my boss”

Or is that a level of intimacy that I shouldn’t even breech and not talk to these people outside of work.

Am I just relationship starved because of the lack of intimate friends whom I feel like I can trust?

I feel… that… (I have no idea where this thought is going and I hope I figure it out along the way)

I feel that… these relationships are new. And sacred (Mentor) and there’s a boundary of honour and value that should not be shook, or tried. A ridgid structure of a self-defined role.

As I grow older I find my intention is effecting the individual more than the big picture. I don’t want to change the world, I want to change THEIR world.

But still I feel selfish for wanting these people to myself (Friendship)

I’m really just trying to figure out where the hell this is all going and how to proceed in both a way that I want to proceed for personal gain as well as maintaining professional standards that are largely unspoken.

And I think I’m afraid that there is no quarter to be given in that thought process. Like you’re their boss or their friend. Not both. Not ever.

My struggle with the concept, intimacy, balance in relationships is nothing new. I tend to dive into the deep end of most of my relationships and then swim to the shallow end and eventually get out of the pool to get away from the water once I feel safe in it like “Ah what am I doing, this shit is dangerous! It could kill me, change my life!”

That’s it isn’t it. It’s my obsessive nature and hyper focus on people, relationships, that makes me feel as though I’m over bearing and wedging myself into people’s lives. Is this something that stems from my childhood? People didn’t want me around much then, I always found myself fighting to be included because no one ever really wanted to include me.

Gawd I was so pathetic. How do I acknowledge those short comings while still finding ways to grow. That’s the question I need to ask myself.

“This is who I was, who am I now?” Who do I want to be now. And is there any joy in the right answer to that question? Is it fun to be who I want to be or is an obligation to those around me.