There are things I miss. in Matters of the heart.

If you read my OD, back when it existed, you would recall that every now and then I wrote about the things I missed and wanted. Now this one is going to be a little different in some aspects.

And if by some chance the people that spark these longings read this, well, don't let it go to your head and don't fool yourself into thinking that you mean more than you do. I am happy. Well, making progress on happiness. But happy in where things are headed. I can't emphasize enough, that if those people read this...Don't dare believe you are more than what you are.

Alright, so, I miss having that female best friend type thing I had. I miss the talking to someone important every day. Even stupid conversations, which were often. I miss the feeling of knowing that someone relied on me emotionally and not just financially. That when they got upset, or something bad happened, I was the one they turned to for support. Having someone believe in you. Have faith that you could make it better, or at the very least make them feel better. Get a smile out of them. That they feel like the world could crumble around them and I could make it all feel better. Making someone feel safe just by talking. To be trusted. To feel important even if they won't admit that you really are. Lately, it seems that I was expendable, but that is genuinely their loss. My circumstances may be shit, but by no means do my circumstances define me. I am far more than what my situation is. I am far greater than anything you can imagine. Not many people can care as I care, and be as forgiving, or understanding, or compassionate, or patient, well...the list goes on and on for what I am. All great admirable things. Fact is, to toss someone like me aside is very foolish. It's impossible to meet someone even remotely close to similar to me. You may say that's arrogant, but I assure you there is not a single one. You may think that's arrogant, but quite frankly it is just confidence and self awareness. Berate me if you must for having such confidence, but in reality, more people in this world need the type of confidence that I have. If the person that sparks the longing for that reads this. I've noticed your neck is bare, and I have noticed you messaged me with 'Hey,' but quite frankly the ensuing conversation from that 'hey' would not have been much. It would have been empty and ended quickly. In a previous entry I wrote about how you once said that you were happy because you didn't have to choose between me and a guy for once, well...look where we are now. You chose. Because you are incapable of managing me and an other guy, because I am too important but also, not important enough. If you were to behave like you normally do when you aren't dating, then your bf would make demands for you to stop talking to me, or would try a power move behind your back. He already attempted to when he tries to add me on facebook...you and I both know what that friend request was. I did not accept because I knew what it would be. The immature jackasses you choose, have a vary primitive thought process. Heaven forbid one of them be on my level. Ha, remember when one of your dipshits tried to convince me and himself that I wouldn't go away, after I responded to your text? Morons. The lot of 'em. And honestly, part of me is waiting for the day that I get that inevitable "I miss you text." I have no idea how I will respond. Probably not kindly. Part of me is curious as to if it will get so bad that you actually come see me. Not even the slightest idea of how I would react to that. Who am I kidding, if you were clearly upset or that I would definitely try to cheer you up and do what I could. If you just stopped by like nothing has changed, then well I would not be nice I am sure. There is a lot that I miss about what we had, but if these are your true colors...then I am probably definitely better off. Like I said in that previous entry, you can't manage me and some other dude. Our...let's call it a connection, for lack of a better term, was too strong. We, and I am using your words here, "fit perfectly together." But when you start dating some obvious moron, what happens? A few weeks maybe a couple months, if the relationship lasts that long, before you gradually talk less and less, before not at all. It's a miracle that this has happened repeatedly and yet, I accepted your half-assed apologies time and time again. Hope that should you return again, that you bring something better this time around. If I have learned anything over this time around....is that I have been far more beneficial to you than you have for me. Kinda fucked up of me to say? Perhaps. But I have never dismissed you. Perhaps it is your turn to see how it feels to lose someone this damn good. Perhaps not. We will see.

Now how about missing the relationship bits. I miss the comfort of knowing that you mean something to someone. That you're not just kinda there. That you matter. I miss that presence of having someone. Someone more than just a friend, or a fling. A commitment. A commitment that you both work at. Waking up next to that person or even just having them sleep while you lay beside them, usually their head resting on my chest and her arm around me. Or her back to me, and my arm around her, throw in a gentle kiss to her neck. Those moments where you look at her and she's unaware and all you think to yourself is "wow" because she's all that matters to you. The feeling of being apart for awhile, seeing her smile as she falls into your arms, and the warm, tight embrace. The gentle kisses of affection that don't have such a sexual connotation to them. Then the long passionate kisses that have a bit more sexual intent to it. Joking around. Play wrestling. I crack a joke at her expense, and she hits me in the stomach. The confident smirks while staring in her eyes, as she tries to be serious but can't help but smile because of how I look at her, leading to a soft kiss. Cuddling up and watching a movie and making jokes about the movie. Listening to music and singing along regardless of how terrible I may sing. Singing to her. Poorly, of course lol. Just the look in her eyes. The shy looking down before kissing. The reluctance to part ways that leads to being late for whatever scheduled thing you have to head off to. You know what I think I miss the most. Having someone that I could be weak in front of. That I didn't have to worry about bailing because I wasn't strong all the time, like so many people expect of me. Being able to talk freely, and if I were weak, would be compassionate and understanding and comfort me. Look, I'm a dude and I want to be the strong one. I want to be relied on and be the rock, but I have my moments of weakness. Where I just....need someone. I remember there was a time that i was breaking down. Completely felt broken. I was literally on my knees with no idea what to do. At the time, someone was there. She walked up to me, put her hands on my cheeks, lifted my chin to look up at her and she just smiled down at me. Then she hugged me, my face kind of buried into her stomach, and her hands/arms wrapped around my head, and I cried. I openly admit that I cried there. I was completely lost. That is something I miss. Having someone to support me, because god damn has it been tough supporting myself when I feel weak. All I can do is get through it and wait to find some strength. I lack that kind of support. I have been solo for quite some time now, and I am tired. I admit it, but I am not stopping. I just wish that I were lucky enough to have someone care to the extent to support me emotionally when I just don't have it in me. Someone to help me, and share the weight, instead of all of it bearing down on me for so long. I remember a lot of things, and I genuinely miss the feeling of being actually wanted and not just a fling or a time-killer. It's been awhile, and like I said...I am tired. But eventually, someone has to see me for what I am and be willing to invest as much as I am willing to invest in them.

I am the King after all.