Bad habitsses... in Adventure Log [01]

I can't remember the time when I first stayed up 'til 5:30 AM. It has become a habit-- a rather bad one. I wonder if it is because of the heat. Then again, I've been through this before and all I did was drink milk and sleep it off. Now I spend my time re-watching Game of Thrones, House MD, reading articles, etc. It's a cycle. Because I stay up late, I wake up in the afternoon. Feeling that I haven't done much for the day, I'd stay up.

The problem is, whatever it is I'm doing, it's not productive at all. I'm a special kind of procrastinator.

I realize that I'm doing all this so I can avoid looking for a job. I'm stuck in a profession that I dislike. A profession with tons of occupational hazard and not gratifying at all. I've been a good kid-- finished college in a breeze, passed the national board exams and made it to the 99th percentile, didn't do drugs nor bothered with sex or whatever. I kind of feel bad about missing out. College seemed like the perfect excuse to act stupid.

I complained many times during college that I felt that this is not the career I want to be stuck with for the rest of my life. Playing by the rules earned me misery. I've been depressed. Very depressed. I couldn't bring myself to go job hunting and make resumes and that sort of thing. Yeah, I shouldn't complain since I'm not applying to be a minimum wage-something. But I'm just so goddamn unhappy. And I couldn't exactly go back to college and take up something else.

I envy my batchmates. I see them so excited to make their resumes, to wear their uniform, to live out their dream. I thought that by the time I finished the course, I'd learn to love it somehow. College made it worse-- it made me want to take up Medicine. Who goes to Med school nowadays, anyway? It's a financial black hole. And I learned that it took more than smarts to become a successful MD. You should be good with networking and people, have some kind of popularity. All I want is to practice medicine. As long as I'm compensated enough, I'll be happy. But healthcare has turned into business. -cringe- I just want something that I can work on without worrying about those miscellaneous aspects.

I should've studied Physics. Then I'd be called a physicist-- sounds close enough to physician. Reeeally funny.

But seriously. Natural Science or Engineering may be hell to go through, but maybe I'd be happier. I'm not that smart, but I like teasing my boundaries. Have you heard of anyone being sad because they never took up Calculus in college for they never had to? That's me, by the way. When I was in high school, I was very excited about learning Calculus. Imagine the dread on my face when I found out that we were to learn how to do x + 2x all over again.

I whine too much. As is my right. But yes, I should appreciate what I have. But I can't get my darn brain chemicals to agree with my logic. I'm...unhappy. Six months after I got my license, I'm still locking myself away in my room, moping because I graduated. I've actually thought about just offing myself, but then again, if I'm dead I can't eat pizza or play video games anymore. And I'll never know what happens in Game of Thrones. ... I shouldn't work in a suicide hotline, I know.

I've developed another bad habit, too. Overeating. I've been stuffing myself with sweets, protein, junk food, sugary drinks. I've always figured that I have oral fixation issues, but it has gotten worse since I passed the board. I've thought about smoking, but I've been having mild chest pains for some time now. It's too risky. I can try gum...but I hate gum for some reason. There's this vodka I've always wanted to buy, but so darn expensive. Maybe I'll buy a bottle, lulz.

Hrm. Overspending. Or is it? But seriously, spending money feels gooood. And I don't have a job. So, guilt feeling right after. This is a disaster. Actually, I haven't really bought anything expensive for the last six months aside from a Pathology book and a leather wallet. And my definition of expensive is anywhere above $10.00. HAHA YES. My loafers gave out on me four months ago, yet I haven't bought a replacement, so I'm stuck with flip flops. Hey, at least it's not Crocs.

There's this pair of Sperry that I've been longing to buy for some time now. $120.00. I would get nightmares, but at least it would serve me for a couple of years. There's also this pair of running shoes that I want, but I suppose I can go running with my flip flops. Wut. I figured that if I started running again, I'll be able to hit my Reset button and make things better. It helped me a lot last year; I was depressed at that time too, but it was worse back then.

Maybe I could wear the running shoes along with my casual attire, so I don't have to buy Sperry anymore. ... -sigh- I'll get the Sperry. I'm retarded.

It's 3:30 AM at the moment. I'm listening to Tom Jones's Sexbomb while browsing through pages of trench coats. I may have a problem.