Bristling in 2022

It’s a little after midnight. Time has had little meaning this week. I’ve felt sick since Tuesday, so I’ve been sleeping a lot and intermittently working on ebooks and not really talking to anyone. Initially it was feeling hot and feverish, plus headache, nausea and dizziness, the last couple days it’s been a near-constant pounding headache and the nausea and dizziness here and there. Dunno what the deal is. Got my booster shot last week, which did make me feel kind of crappy for several days but then I was back to normal for several days before this. I should be back to normal by the end of the weekend. I guess I don’t mind that much, other than that I haven’t gotten much work done and the books have piled up. I haven’t talked to the roomies since Monday really, when we had an unfun Twitch stream. It might be about time to hang it up. I think of it as our stream, but they refer to it as mine, and sometimes put effort in, and sometimes would rather do something else. Which is fine, it’s on me for trying to force it to be a group thing if they’re not interested. I’m not particularly interested in doing it by myself. It’s fun, most of the time, but it doesn’t further any of my goals. I’m not trying to make money off of it or anything. We only have the audience we have from getting raided a couple of times, and it’s been the same regulars since then. Which is fine, but it does feel stagnant. We have no real direction, or identity. Most channels play the same one or two games, we have some we often play but also play whatever. I figured the gimmick was that we had three people playing, but if two of them don’t really give a shit…then it’s just one schlubby dude who is bad at most games playing whatever. Not nearly as appealing. It’s fun, but I’ve spent far too much of my life prioritizing fun in the moment that leads to nothing, instead of work in the moment that leads to betterness.

I’ve been more focused on my goals, and myself. I’ve been kind of depressed this week, things feel a little strained between me and, well, everyone else, but that could be my brain trying to make things worse than they are. Things are never as dramatic as my brain tries to build them up to be. I’d probably be fine with if if I were feeling healthy. I’m on a forty something day streak of working out every day, and a thirty something day one for playing bass. It’s nothing amazing, I generally play this VR game called Synth Riders that’s a rhythm game where you punch orbs in time with the music. If you put some effort into it, it’s actually a decent workout. Eventually I’m going to need to do more stuff, and lift weights at some point if I want to tone up, but it’s been good for now. I generally do it first thing in the morning, for 60-90 minutes, then reward myself with a protein drink, then shower and moisturize, eat and start my day. I’m usually pretty drained after that, and at some point regain my energy for the rest of the day. If I wake up late, because of not feeling good or sleeping in or whatever else, I just push back my day and still make my workout the first thing I do. I don’t beat myself up about messing up anymore. So far it’s been good, I haven’t lost much weight but I can see a little bit of a difference. Even the last couple days being sick, I’ve only done a few minutes and it wasn’t very exertive, but I kept the streak going. In the past I would have used it as an excuse not to do anything. I got Rocksmith on PC after realizing there were custom songs on there, so that’s been a lot more motivating than it was on PS3. I still suck, but I’m definitely slowly getting better with bass. I’ve even begun practicing singing if it’s an easy-ish song that I know well. It’s still like, eight steps removed from being able to sing and play an instrument from memory in front of people, but that’s okay. I’m enjoying the journey.

That’s all that’s really new, I guess. Just working, and working on self-improvement. Did nothing for New Year’s, was going to go to a friend’s for a party, but there was a covid scare at one of the roommates’ work, and the test results didn’t come in until after the 1st. The roommate didn’t have it, but it wasn’t worth the risk, so we just did a Jackbox stream instead. Twitch has mostly been my outlet socially, I guess, aside from the roommates and a handful of friends we play games with online once or twice a week. I think it’s outlived its purpose, or at least I don’t feel like I can really relate to anyone. Originally the stream was the 5 of us in the old house when we all lived there, and then was revived with the 3 of us in this house to play a friend’s Mario Maker levels. It was never a long-term thing, but I figured it’d go longer. Still, if no one else is really interested in putting in effort, I’m not either. The friend who we were streaming for initially has his own channel anyway, perhaps I’ll give him any resources I can in order to help him get off the ground. It’s been interesting, learning about Twitch, I really knew nothing about it beforehand. We have a handful of regulars, and we have a discord where there is occasional posting, but I know very little about the regulars. I don’t know any of their actual names, or even what most of them look like or do for work/school/whatever. It kind of reminds me of getting to know people way back in the day on OD and TOD, or on message boards. It’s different though, since it’s text vs. speech, anonymity vs. being on camera. I can somewhat see the allure of parasocial relationships, and I do think some people are genuine, but it’s still not for me. Since we started streaming regularly I’ve found some streams to watch while I’m working, and I rarely chat, if at all. I guess I could be a regular in someone else’s audience if I tried, I just don’t want to I guess. Somehow it seems vapid and pointless, not sure how to explain it. Perhaps that’s just me being me, it’s not like I’m really close to anyone, emotionally at least.

I did reconnect with an old friend I hadn’t talked to in years a couple months ago. I just happened to be on Facebook, which I normally never check, to get updates on something someone was posting, and I saw that the old friend had a post asking for help in getting out of a bad situation, either a freshly-ended abusive relationship or living with the ex that she’d been in an abusive relationship with. I gave her some money to help her pay off some bills, and we started chatting regularly. I met her probably 11 years ago in Medford, and we’d occasionally hang out, usually with another friend. Didn’t really keep in touch once I moved to Portland, and we never really talked about anything deep or important back then. We did this time, and while it was good at first, and I thought I was helping, eventually things soured. She found a friend to stay with, and was working on filling out applications to get help finding a job, insurance, therapy and other stuff. It didn’t seem like it was progressing, and I understand that she often felt overwhelmed, or didn’t have a ride to those offices. I thought I was being helpful in encouraging her and trying to stay positive. She’d say a lot of blanket statements that I’d try to dissipate with logic and positivity, always negative things about herself. I’ve dealt with that before, didn’t seem like a big deal. As time went by, she seemed to get more negative and desperate, probably a sign that she needed help and therapy, but the forms weren’t getting filled out. It sounded like it’d be easier to go take care of them in-person, but that wasn’t happening either. At some point, she started accusing me of changing my tone, and started lumping me in with the negative blanket statements of “everyone thinks X about me”. Apparently she had a blow-up with another friend and asked me to look at some screenshots of the conversation and give my opinion, which I did. Eventually her friend blew up at her and stopped wanting to talk to her, but she was being very unpleasant and needling him quite a bit. I told her I disagreeing with him going off on her, but I could understand why he reacted that way, and things went south pretty quickly after that. Guess that’s not what she wanted to hear. Now I realize she probably did the same thing to me as to her friend. Needling, being constantly negative, distorting and twisting things I said, making blanket statements and not conceding on any points even when they are questioned or disproven, and not granting an inch if I conceded on anything. She legitimately has been treated by shit by family and pretty much all of her ex’s it seems like, so she has been a victim in those scenarios, but it also seems like she wants or needs to be a victim in every scenario with every person no matter how friendly. Even with me, despite all the time I spent trying to help her from afar. Instead of going off on her like her other friend, I just didn’t respond to the last wall of text, knowing it would only incite another one. I haven’t deleted her or anything, but I don’t really want to talk to her again. I legit did plan to help her fill out her tax stuff from last year, and figured the next time I visited Medford we’d hang out and I’d give her a ride to wherever if he still needed help, but, well, fuck that. I wonder if that incredibly intense bitterness was bubbling underneath the surface the entire time we were friends. Even if apologies were traded, it seems likely it’d erupt again at any benign provocation. I hope she gets help, she’s not a bad person, but the toxicity she displays is so intense, I’m not sure who could reasonably deal with it beyond a trained professional. My whole goal was to help her, and it seemed like in the end, I didn’t really help at all. Best thing I can do is cut off communication and not make things worse.

Anyway, that’s the closest I have been to someone in quite a while, at least as far as talking about deep stuff and talking regularly. In retrospect I can see how she wanted empathy, and a listening ear, and nothing else. Unquestioned regardless of the circumstance. Not to be prodded along and encouraged to improve. She’d rather be right than be happy, instead of compromising, she can yell about how everyone leaves her, and if she behaves this bitterly toward everyone who tries to help her, they will all leave. She will be right in her assumptions, but she won’t be happy. I used to be like that to a much lesser extent. That’s why I’m not gonna argue, I’ll just leave. It’s not worth it. The most active regular in our Twitch also reminds me of that. Someone who clearly has maladies and struggles, but seems defined by them. I assume they share them with us because there is trust, but whenever we suggest trying something to help or fix it, there’s always an excuse. They have a sibling who also is quick to provide a “well it’s hard because X reason” excuse. Maybe these aren’t excuses, perhaps I can’t understand. I dunno, to me if someone is struggling, I want them to get better, not just feel better. Treat the root cause and not the symptom. But some people don’t want that. I’m sure a lot of people have a role they see themselves in, and those roles don’t change easily. In some ways I have done myself a great disservice by never really going to a doctor, or therapist, or whatever. It’s generally been because of money. Because of that though, I don’t know what is wrong with me, or right, I guess. I have no things to define myself by, so I am undefined. That’s both a positive and a negative perhaps. I accept that I simply cannot relate to someone that does define themselves by something. I’ve heard directly or anecdotally at least three people use “well I’m autistic so” recently as a ceiling for what they can do personally. Including one good friend who just said he thinks he is and hasn’t been diagnosed. And like, maybe he is, but why have that line of thinking? Like I said, I cannot relate, so perhaps this is entirely legit. I just feel like the thought of “well, this is all I can do” is an inherently depressing one. It’s not my job to motivate these people, or to give them advice. So I won’t do that anymore. I feel like it only alienates people, or I’m just really bad at it. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, far from it, I feel like I offer a different angle that is usually logical. Still, speaking my mind usually just seems to make things awkward or worse. I have no problems keeping my so-called wisdom to myself unless someone asks for it, I just need to remember to actually stick to that. I don’t really care if I’m liked anymore, it seems like I don’t make that strong of an impression on people. I just want to improve myself. If others are involved, great, if not, that’s fine too. I’ve learned to accept there’s not time to do everything or hang out with everyone. You realistically need to pick and choose your battles. I haven’t done that, and have failed at everything instead. From here on out I will pick and choose.

We’ve all got to figure our own shit out. I’m only kind of, slightly, barely, starting to figure my shit out after almost 35 years. I can only imagine the frustration the people who have tried to help me in the past have felt when they gave good advice and I did nothing with it. Now there is no one really trying to help me. There’s no one waiting for me to succeed, or fail. No one’s really paying attention. I think I prefer that. There’s no pressure. Most of the pressure has been the unrealistic expectations I set for myself as a teenager, based solely on perceived desire and nothing in reality. And I failed every one of those expectations. It’s just not possible to ever have the life I once thought I’d have. Perhaps that’s freeing. Now, the bar is pretty damned low. It’s down to “well, this is pretty disappointing, I guess see how far you can get with what’s left”, and I think that’s ideal. It’s realistic. Very slowly, I’m getting into shape, and very slowly, I’m getting better at bass. It’s all in my own weird, inefficient way, but I enjoy it, and I’ve curated it so that I enjoy doing it each day and look forward to it. Even this week, when I actually used Doordash for the first time because I felt too nauseous to be able to drive anywhere to get food, I still put in 20 minutes of weak-ass Synth Riders workouts and 20 minutes of pretty bad bass playing each day to keep my streak going. When I get better, I look forward to getting those numbers each back up to at least an hour a day. In time, I’ll expand these routines as it makes sense. I have other workout things, I just don’t want to leave my room when I workout since it’s so fucking cold in the house. I have my electronic drum set and eventually I’ll use that thing. I ordered some adapter that should let me use it with my PS3 and PS4 so I can play Rock Band with it, but it hasn’t arrived yet. I’m making progress. Mostly I’m in my room these days, but it doesn’t feel like a depressing tomb like it has in the past. Everything I need is here, for the most part. I can do my work from home stuff, I can work out, and I can play bass. I don’t feel like my meager efforts can withstand criticism yet, so I keep it mostly to myself. I know I have to do these things each day, if I stop, I don’t know if I’ll start again. I have plenty of time, but at the same time, so much time has passed. I’m happier lately, but there’s a constant bittersweet feeling that doesn’t go away. The memories of a wasted life, of all the frayed bonds and closed doors from the past that I still remember vividly. I think this is just how it is, for now at least. I don’t feel depressed, I feel relatively hopeful, though I’m not looking too far ahead. One day at a time. I’m enjoying my time, and in fact time goes so quickly. Even with having a somewhat structured day, there isn’t enough time. That’s why I wouldn’t mind stopping streaming, or at least not keeping a regular schedule. It may disappoint a handful of people, but hey, disappointing people is something I have a lot of experience in. I’m just looking out for my own happiness. I have to follow my own path. That’s what I’ve wanted all along, I guess I just wasn’t ready for it previously. I don’t really know how it happened this time, I somewhat stumbled upon the motivation, but I’ll do whatever it takes to keep it. If I let it go, I don’t know if it will ever come back. So I won’t let that happen.