hearts and mind in 2022

12:59

Life hasn’t been that great lately.

Honestly my physical health has really gone downhill over the last month. I don’t even know what to try any more. I’m using the cane, but it seems to be doing more harm than good. I’m literally walking around taking baby steps and hoping to God that my leg doesn’t lock up before I reach my destination. It’s been painful, but worse than that, it’s majorly frustrating. Like I physically cannot do what I want/need to do and it’s driving me insane. I’ve never had to ask for so much help in my life and it’s killing my soul.

I know, I know. It’s ok to ask for help, but my head tells me it’s bad. How could I be so weak? There are people way worse off that can manage on their own. Why can’t I?

Therapy is starting to sound pretty good right about now…

Anyway, contacted the doc and she put me on some new meds. I’ve been taking them since Tuesday and they might barely be starting to kick in. It’s not a long term solution. It’s basically strong advil, but if it helps I’ll take it. I’m following instructions to the T and we’ll see how I feel next week. If it’s still not good than I’ll ask her about going back on steroids. At least those produced results and I figure they can’t be much worse for me than taking 4 different immunosuppressants/chemo type drugs. I’m thinking it’ll just be for a couple months until I get the hip replaced and then start over trying to get every thing else under control.

I guess I’ll just wait and see how it plays out.

For now, I’m stuck working another weekend. Hopefully by next Sunday I’ll finally get a day off. It’s been two weeks. I could use a long sleep and a day of nothing.

Speaking of being at work though, as used to be a very common theme:
I saw TF yesterday.

He contacted me about a week ago saying he was ready to bring in paperwork. Then he came in some time earlier this week and dropped off an envelope. It was busy when he stopped by so we didn’t talk much. He said he’d look for some missing stuff and left.

It wasn’t much of anything, although as much as it pains me to admit, when I saw him coming my heart started racing for a split second. As soon as he was in front of me it went away. I think it’s just an old physical reaction from the past. He always made me so nervous with all those forward advances.

Yesterday he finally got back to me with the docs he needed and I called to let him know it was ready. Of course there was a lot of those same old remarks. How I missed out on such a gem [though later corrected himself to say he was only a cubic zirconia, which I told him I already knew.] There were other things too that made me roll my eyes but honestly I don’t remember all the details the way that I used to.

What did catch me a little off guard was later when he came by for his appointment.

Sunday Feb 6th 13:00

I didn’t get a chance to finish this yesterday. Actually had to do some work. ;) Which I should also be doing now but it’s Sunday and my brain refuses to function normally. Might also have a little to do with going over to the neighbour’s house last night and celebrating G’s birthday. It was better than expected. Lately things are just weird over there since I’m currently enemy #1. It’s not hostile or anything. Just awkward. But last night EC and I mostly hung out in the kitchen listening to music, taking shots, and watching people dance.

Anyway, back to the original story:
I was talking about what TF said that caught me off guard. I guess in some ways I kinda figured he felt that way already, but it was interesting to hear. He said that it wasn’t true that he never liked me; that I was the one that didn’t like him. I told him that that’s not how I remember it but whatever. I mean the dude stood me up for our 2nd date. That’s pretty clear disinterest to me.

He also said that every year around this time he thinks about that date we had. And he remembered it exactly. Going out to eat, hitting the bar afterwards and having drinks. He didn’t go into too many details but yeah, I was surprised.

After the way our story crumbled I never expected him to admit that he still thinks about that day. Or definitely not to say that there will always be a small piece of his heart reserved for me. Like what the heck?!? I wanted so bad to connect with that man at the time and he refused to let me. And now he’s sitting there in front of me saying things like that? It doesn’t make any sense to me.

It shouldn’t be that shocking. I mean I always felt like there was something between us at the time but he couldn’t let me in. I’m just not sure how this makes me feel. Better or worse? In some ways it’s kind of nice to know that I was right about how he felt about me, but also like why now? It’s been years. Why’d it take you so damn long to admit? [He did say he knew it was too late since I have a bf and he has a gf - 1st time he’s admitted that though I think they’ve been together a while]

Oh well. It is what it is. I’m happy now. Every thing happens for a reason. I never would have met EC if it had all gone differently and I don’t think he could ever be the kind of man that EC is for me. And EC is exactly what I need.

sidenote: It’s super weird to have had this happen and not be able to talk to EC about it. We talk about every thing all the time. For obvious reasons I cannot bring this up to him, but it feels like I have a secret. I don’t like that feeling.

rose.

Last updated February 08, 2022