watching the skyline for the bombs to drop in Sometimes I feel dead inside

when i was a kid there were emergency drills for everything. fire, earthquakes even nukes, surprise it was hide under your desk and hope the mystery material it was made from would save you. i have to say i really thought i was going to die before i was 21. i had dreams of how it would happen too. i stopped being afraid of death, but was nervous having to live with no plan. the funny thing is i’m still ok with death, yes it would be unfortunate for my family and friends and i would never do anything to them like that. for my own fulfillment though i don’t have a significant other or children. i just have a list of things to do. once i get those done i can be done. it hit kind of hard thinking that i wasn’t living for anything in particular aside from to finish a to do list. sure theres some cool stuff on there but its a chore list in the end. maybe its why i feel apathetic concerning most things. i don’t care about my job aside from it pays my bills and lets me live comfortably. i mostly just want experiences, i don’t really care about my material goods often times feeling like i have too much though most i don’t use gets given away. the pandemic has killed all social life i had, i work from home only seeing humans when something gets delivered or on a screen. which a couple years ago would sound pathetic but has become another thing i’ve just accepted, the outside world is just trying to destroy everyone and its only safe to stay inside. don’t talk to others in real life, don’t touch anyone, become socially inept. thats ok. thats what you’re supposed to do, its crawling under your desk during a nuke being dropped. i am worried i’m missing something, i have no idea what it is. i don’t know if i really want to know what it is. i would say happiness is bliss and it might be in this case. worse what if its just that i’m bored? that there is nothing wrong at all except my waning attention span? i’m not sad or depressed, i’m just thinking about things, curious if i’m waiting for something or if i’m supposed to go get something that will make sense. i don’t know so i sit under my desk hoping that a bomb that can level a city is repelled by the magic desk as i watch the horizon for impending doom.