jars and balloons in surveys and such

I decided to skip the sad sack entry and go straight to the survey

A Jar of Balloons Survey, 2014 Edition

1) Will you agree to let a lover use your toothbrush? Why or why not?

No. If I could afford it, I'd use single use toothbrushes.

2) In your bad dreams do you ever throw the slow motion punch?

Sometimes. Usually there are martial arts.

3) Do you eat or give away pickles?

Depends on the day. Even I find my love/hate relationship with pickles disturbing.

4) Do you match and ball socks or just dump them, en masse, into the drawer?

Match and fold. Balling them up stretches the elastic. I also sort them by size and color.

5) Do you bisect your sevens with one of those squiggly hyphens? When writing the number 2 do you loop the bottom?

No sqiggles in my hyphen but the loop makes them legible.

6) When eating out, do you set your knife atop your plate and change hands?

What?

7) Do you tear into wrapped presents or open them neatly with the spoken intent to save the paper?

Open them neatly. Recycle that shit.

8) Would you rather drive or be driven?

If I'm drinking, I'm not driving.

9) Do you engage strangers in conversations on airplanes? If no, it's odd, isn't it, when the time comes to accept peanut packets or order sodas and you hear their voices?

I have a book. Those in-flight snacks are just a tease. If it's a tiny plane, I force myself to sleep.

10) Do you own a bathrobe?

Somewhere. I generally just take the next set of clothing in the bathroom and steam out wrinkles. Ironing is boring.

11) Are they still there, those ascending horizontal lines that marked your growth as a child up a wall or a door?

We didn't do that.

12) Can you write at all with your opposite hand?

Looks about the same. My handwriting is gross.

13) Do audiences affect your attempts to urinate or parallel park?

Parallel park, no. Bathrooms are best with single occupancy.

14) Do you bookmark or dog-ear your books?

Bookmark.

15) Do you mind fighting losing battles?

Seems a little late to be asking that.

16) Do you check the dates on coins?

If I did, I might not be broke.

17) Do you like to be the one who holds the tickets (for airplanes, movies, etc.)?

Yes. Not knowing where they are would drive me nuts.

18) Can you sleep with socks on?

I try not too.

19) Are you a sucker for foreign accents?

YES.

20) Are you skilled at giving directions?

Indeed. I could guide a deaf person out of a maze. I don't know sign language and they wouldn't need to read lips.

21) Is your name frequently mispronounced?

People thought I was a dude named Andrew when I did tech support. That was probably more sexism than mispronunciation.

22) Do you attempt to pronounce foreign words correctly, such as calling a crescent-shaped roll a cwaSAHN?

I try. It matters.

23) Do you think grades in school mattered?

Nope. Didn't think it then.

24) Can you tie a tie? What about a bowtie?

Yes. I'm awesome.

25) Does making a good list ever feel like an accomplishment in itself?

No

26) Have you ever been on fire?

No?

27) Are your faucets tricky to the point where were an out-of-towner to use your shower, you'd feel the need to give a tutorial?

This survey got weird.

28) Do you tend (or did you tend) to date people older or younger than yourself?

I tend to not date people.

29) When walking or driving with a companion in a place where your companion is familiar and you are not, do you tend not to pay any attention whatsoever?

I have lightning focus when I'm not familiar. I may be paranoid, but I know my exits.

30) Do the number of beaches you've been on exceed your fingers?

No. I actually haven't gone too near sand.