Restful Weekend in Journal 2022

I am mentally unstable but stably responsible.

I guess sometimes I feel worried how ill be perceived through this diary. But sometimes I feel like it won’t matter. For now, I’m just focused on writing more and more than last year where I was trying to live a “normal” life.

I wanted to be better, but sometimes we gotta just work it slow. I had written a bullet list for up to May 2021. I did alot. Got a paycheck, job interviews, two jobs, etc. Started therapy. Maybe I should do that for this year to.

This time I want to work slower and make sure I feel okay and not pressured to be okay. I am writing my young adult book, working on my YouTube channel, etc. But also I lost so much and I feel empty and broken all the time.

I don’t feel emotions like normal I guess. I read a comment saying I would murder a child due to my last entry and I laughed but then felt bad. I think they were serious and it’s not nice to laugh at people sounding super hurt, even if it’s kinda hurtful towards you.

To be honest with you I don’t see abortion as murder, I wouldn’t give a damn about any child I have that isn’t formed enough for me to regard them as more than a spec of dust. I’m a very pro science person despite believing in tarot cards and reincarnation and channeling spirits.

Though the comment was right about me being severely mentally ill. It’s whatever at this point, I can’t change that. Life just turned soured for me… Meds might and I’ve discussed it but it also may trigger my ED and my hallucinations and suicidal thoughts so I find it to risky.

So yeah, I’m sad alot about it. But I can’t just bury it like I tried all last year. I broke down to often and still do because it’s not possible to be okay as myself.