dark blue in 2022

13:16

Well I thought I had started out pretty decently at that whole NoJoMo thing, but it’s now January and I haven’t written in a month and a half. shrug Oops.

2021 is officially the lowest entry count on record. 16 entries. 16! And it would have been less had I not at least attempted to write more in November. Man I remember when I used to write all the time. Multiple times a week. Now it’s just blah and the happenings in my life these days are exactly what I should be keeping track of.

I am officially back at work full-time. Maybe that will make it easier to keep up with this for at least a few months. We’ll see how busy it’s going to be. Unfortunately it’s another year of covid restrictions so that makes it a little harder to manage. I thought we’d finally be a little more normal, but I guess not. Everyone seems a lot less optimistic and excited about a better new year this year as well. There seems to be less hope in the world and that is not helping me drag myself out of this funk.

Although I did find reading everyone’s new year resolution/recap entries to be some of the motivation I need. Most people around here at least are a little more optimistic about making some positive life changes [although not necessarily about this year in general].

I need to find that spark that has been missing from my life for the last several years. I mean in general I am definitely happier than I was even just a couple years ago, which I will totally attribute to my relationship with EC. That man pulls me out of the dark every single day and he doesn’t even know it. I have no idea where I would be without him, but I truly believe that it would be a sad, dark, terrible place. I’m so lucky to have him!

I remember it being like this years ago. Like maybe back in 2014 or somewhere around there. It was dark and I couldn’t see the light. Then I had that random spark that suddenly made me change my life. I started practicing daily gratitude, seeing the beauty in life instead of only the doom and gloom, and overall pulled myself out of that hole. It was nice for a while there. The best I’d probably ever felt.

Things obviously fell apart. I won’t blame it all on the TF situation but that was definitely my downfall. That crazy freaken roller coaster! Then hitting the bottom and the stress causing this massive flare to burn bright again. I haven’t been right since then. My health still has yet to recover.

That’s the thing though, I know in my heart of hearts that if I can get my mental health back on track, get rid of this underlying stress, that I could bring myself back to life. It’s just that spark. I’m telling you. I haven’t been able to find it, but there are small glimmers of hope popping up lately. It’s starting to feel right again.

It’s time to make some changes. I’m almost to that mid-30 mark and I desperately want to stop wasting so much of my life sitting around doing nothing. I mean I know the fatigue is actually what’s killing me, but I can’t change that without helping to change every thing else that’s wrong with my body.

I didn’t write about it but I went to the doc back in December and she decided to put me on Otezla to see if that would bring about any new results. [Also I gained like 7-8 lbs ugh] I’m just not seeing enough progress. And I’ll admit that, especially lately, I’ve been pretty bad about sticking to my med schedule which definitely doesn’t help. It is hard to stay on track because every time I think about it, it makes me feel like all I’m doing is poisoning my body over and over again. Now we’re adding another med? Like ugh. I can’t with this anymore.

So, like I’ve mentioned a bunch of times, I feel like getting my head on straight will start to help improve every thing else. Perhaps I can go back into a remission type state and ease off the meds again like I did all those years ago. There are only so many medications and I can’t possibly take them all. The doc says it’s ok to do the combo I’m on, but it doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m going to regret this some day. We have no idea what the long term damage is.

For now, I’ll try it her way. I don’t have many other options and this is what the universe has lead me to. I’m going to get back on the right schedule even if some days it makes my brain foggy and my stomach queasy.

Also, baring any further life complications [mine and other’s], I am going to start the process to have my hip replacement in late April/early May. Even if it messes up my birthday or any other plans. I need this done. It’s so bad right now. I’ll finish the craziness here around mid-April, but since the surgeon said it takes 4-6 weeks for the whole process I’ll probably give them the green light at the beginning of April. I want it done as soon as possible so I can maybe start to enjoy life again instead of cursing every single step.

That’s the thing too; I’m getting older obviously. EC and I have been together for 2.5 years [holy cow how did that even happen!] and I know that clock is going to start ticking. It sucks that it works that way but just another of those female only problems. I definitely don’t want to even consider getting married until after the hip replacement. I do not want to hobble down any aisle or not be able to fully enjoy a honeymoon wink wink. Kids are for sure a post-marriage thing and ideally we’d like to travel and do our thing for a little while before we focus on that whole thing. But like I said, I’m going to run out of time eventually. The option for children can easily fade away and we’ve talked about it enough to know that we’d at least like to try for one, possibly two [because one seems a little lonely.]

All that to say basically that I need to get this health sh*t under control as soon as possible. Work on the mental health, figure out the med situation, get the new titanium hip, and go from there. That’s my plan for this year. Then hopefully it’ll involve getting engaged, planning a wedding, and spending the rest of our lives together.

I have no doubt that he’s the one for me. Especially lately he has just been so damn helpful to me and I have never, nor did I ever think, I would have a true partner like that.

We hosted a couple of his friends on Saturday and he went above and beyond what I thought. I think I’ll write about that in another entry shortly.

At the end of the day I am so happy with him and I really want my health, both physically and emotionally, to match that feeling.

Here’s hoping 2022 will be a lot less dark and blue.

rose.
15:08