Interactions in Writing To Escape [Open Diary Entries]

Hey all,

Two of my readers have asked me either directly or in a roundabout way, how my relationships with others are, how do I interact with people on a day to day basis?

This is a fair question, the truth is not very well or excellent pending on your definition of an interaction with someone. In everyday situations I am not 'me', at work for example, I tend to be anything from silent, cynical, serious, attentive, kind but always the pretender, my emotions or lack thereof sometimes cause me problems. I don't interact with 'normal' people because I cannot find the middle ground, so I am silent until I get the lay of the land, observing how people are, finding what makes them tick and acting accordingly.

If you were to ask five people at my place of work to describe me you would have five different answers, with only one common theme, that theme being I am seemingly never happy. I never am, it's not an emotion I can say I've ever truly felt and therefore I cannot mimic it.

I can find contentment, companionship and fulfilment within the company of close friends, maybe that is happiness, I do not know if I am truthful, for as long as I can remember I have felt what I can only describe as a void, it never goes, just sits there as though a part of me is empty. Sometimes though I remember that void disappearing when I was with that special someone, that though is a different story unrelated to this entry.

To me people aren't complex, we have routines, we have likes and dislikes, we have quirks, we have patterns that we tend not to deviate from the routine and we have stressors, when you witness these within people by either asking the right questions or listening to conversations you figure how to act accordingly so you know the answers that will either provoke a positive or negative response, this allows me to function and communicate in my day to day job and build relationships although they perhaps aren't as meaningful to me as they are to the other person.

The truth is the only people I am 'me' with I can list on one hand, other than that it is somewhat of a lie and I am a pretender reacting to situational circumstances and picking up on how people react to things or how they are feeling, it doesn't bother me because I know no different, it helps me get to the cause of problems quickly and help people find ways to overcome them, still though I am not kidding myself and I know something is missing within me.

Perhaps this entry reeks of arrogance, it isn't intended as such, it's just how I perceive the world and how I view my place within it, I don't view myself as above others only apart, that kid always looking in, suppressing your emotions for years though has its consequences, when I do feel something genuine I overcompensate at times, it scares people, understandably. I'm a little different I get that, so we'll see what the future holds :)

Anyway I hope that answers the question.

Regards, G

Last updated May 25, 2014