Another day another bubble in Life

I’m stuck in this perpetual slow boil of anxiety lately. And I’m not sure if that’s just because of everything that’s going on in my life or if it’s just a mental health issue. Both I suppose but still it feels worse than it has in the past.

Is it because things are actually settling down and I’m finally at the point where I’m staying at a place for more than a year?

When you really think about it I’ve moved almost annually for… almost 20 years now.

I mentioned that to my wife the other day as we’re both on this precipice of a breakdown. We’re at the point where our year lease is almost up and we’re both very anxious. Obviously there’s a lot going on in the great outside world but there’s still this uncontrollable sense that something bad is right around the corner and it’s consuming us.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make there is that I pointed out with out lease being up soon we’re probably conditioned that it’s ‘moving season’ now and we’re in that mind frame that we should be doing something to prepare for that. We should be packing, we should be finding a new place, we shouldn’t be staying in one spot for this long, it’s not safe! Surely!

Or at least that’s my uneducated perspective.

Gawd, think of how much time, resources, life. Is wasted on frequently moving. If anyone out there is going through that right now, know that you have my heart. It’s not easy.

There are times where I look back on my past and I think “I miss that” and then there are times where I talk to my 20 year old co-workers and think “I do not miss that at all”

I was working with a young woman the other day who talked about losing all her friends and shit and how everyone is growing away and everyone at the table who was older was like “yea, people do that, it’s a good thing”

Then we talked about ‘let shit hit the fan and see who’s still there when the dust(Shit?) settles” those are your real friends. Those are very few right now. Some people just haven’t been my friends while I was going through chaos. It’s almost like a vetting process of seeing how much chaos and uncertainty someone has in their life then you open the door. Or you clean your own house before you show someone your kitchen.

I guess that’s where the Skeletons in the Closet thing comes from though.

I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life right now. This sense of a holding pattern is just going on to long. But even then what else would I be doing other than seeing family more? Driving more. -.-

Still this burning “What’s next” it just keeps spinning round and round.

Where do I find more? Where do I go to get more? What sort of challenge am I looking for?

Do I just want to get better, do I just want to achieve?