The Relevancy of Time in Life

As I continue trudging forward through time I find myself struggling to find relevancy in time. Like… I’m just continually walking forward feeling like the world is falling apart around me in crashing waves of variants and we’re only being held back by the mass stupidity of humanity.

It feels so hopeless some times and that’s really getting hard to continually push away. Like I feel like I’m one blink away from not existing anymore.

(Disclaimer, that’s not a cry for help or a suicide intent, I will never be driven to the point of killing myself and if a story breaks where that seems to be a case, assume murder. Classic disclaimer)

It’s just a raw honesty that I need to express to be able to get the thoughts out of my head.

I find myself looking for more. Or feeling like I need to be reaching for more, Like now is the time to start thinking about legacy. Although when I was younger I always saw children as a legacy (#2 on it’s way in June!) but now as I establish a persona that I’m comfortable with the amount of knowledge and confidence in communication I feel like I can accomplish more.

For the first time in my life possibly.

Is this because I’m away from the oil slicked well walls of Culinary? No longer am I running on the treadmill of perceived success but I’m actually accomplishing success and in a manner that I’m personally proud of. No longer am I a supervisor looking at people like something that I can use to vault myself but rather I’m a supervisor looking at how I can be the one to vault others to their own success. Is this just an evolutionary maturity?

Am I becoming a Real Boy?!

I’ve said before to others, the further I get away from Culinary the more human I feel. It’s shocking. People who I didn’t feel capable of speaking to before are now having full, deep conversations with me. People of all walks of life. No longer am I seeing myself as “I just work in culinary” (Which lets face it, it’s how most people perceive us) it’s now becoming something else.

Am I just allowing myself to be more human? I think it’s safe to say that often the only ones holding us back is ourselves.

Also it’s funny. I now work in the Cannabis Sector (Production, not cultivation, and it’s a legal market where I’m from) but I could say I do anything there. I could say I was the GM and people would still be like “Woah what’s it like working with Cannabis?!” It makes me laugh and smile but like… It’s just another factory my dudes.

My mother is going through a divorce with my step-dad right now. A man I greatly respect but I find my mother’s… negative disposition (Like seriously, if I had a live feed of her, there would be a tally for how many conversations start with someone dying) is painting my step dad in a negative light. And she’s not exactly wrong for doing so, there’s some seedy stuff going on, or that’s the way it looks but then I get these anxiety inducing phone calls or voice messages and I’m just sitting there, after listening to my mom, thinking “Oh god what’s he going to say” and it’s never that bad. Never. But I always set myself up (Or have been set up) for some sort of demon to be on the other end of the line and that’s never the case.

I’m not sure if that’s because of the previous divorce where I heard stories from both my parents about how terrible the other one was (Yes they were those parents, and yes. They both deny ever telling me anything bad about the other one.........) and I feel like a lot of those old emotions are boiling up and causing me an anxious energy that I just don’t know what the fuck to do with.

Like I could dump all that energy into work, whatever that may look like, but that’s not healthy. It’s this… almost uncontrollable electricity through my veins that… I honestly just want to punch something. Like if I could channel all that energy into my hands I can some how expel it that way. Not anything specific, a punching bag ideally but fucked if I have any idea what I’m doing there. Got the space though.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s first dentist appointment. At this point I’m just praying that she has a healthy relationship with her dentist. Also hoping that I get inspired to hop back on that train.

I also find myself… yearning for community again. Leaving London (Ontario) behind 3 years ago now and with it a lot of my friends is getting harder every day. Granted I’m part of several different communities (Does this place have a Discord?) but it’s… not the same. I guess on some level this is an age thing or just a realization but I miss what BH was. I miss how easy it was to bond yourself to a group of people, whether online or not. But putting myself out there to be social seems so risky now an days.

Music:
Song: The Man with No Audience
by: Weerd Science