My Someone in Days of My Destiny

Someone died in the mine we live closest to. Apparently he was working on some huge machinery and something big fell on him, severely injuring his head and neck and knocking him unconscious. The ambulance went and did what they could but he was declared dead on the scene. Kim's husband has his own company where he contracts guys out to that place. He was working there that day and as soon as Kim heard that someone had died, she rang him but his phone kept going straight to voicemail and she started to panic. In the end he rang back. Him and his guys had the rest of the day off and spent their time at the pub, de-briefing. The committee secretary who also lives in this town, whose husband also works there, well her sister-in-law rang straight away to ask if her brother was alive. She said yes he was, he'd actually had the day off work that day. Helen messaged me asking if I knew if it was anybody local. It didn't really affect me until I was driving home and looked over towards where that mine is. I thought, "Oh my goodness....... to think that while I was driving passed here this morning, there was a man who would die just 20 minutes later, just over there...."

He was a FIFO guy who had just started working for that mine.

I had a terrible afternoon with the girls that ended in M crying and shouting and me crying and shouting. It was just shit. I felt terrible and emotionally unattached for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening and just got them to play together until night time. I felt depleted and disgusted that it even got to that and I could not believe that this is how I used to be. Part of me was glad that I had not been like this for so long, and the other part of me was disappointed in myself for even being like that again.

I unenthusiastically put the girls to bed. I needed a shower. Of all days, L was asked to work back, which I knew about. He said he'd be home by 7:30. He's usually spot on with his timing, but when I hopped in the shower it was 7:40 and so I messaged him in case he happened to ring while I was in the shower. He can't contact me from work, so the only time he'd really ring is once he'd left work. When I got out of the shower, there was a missed call from an unknown number, which was not his work number. But I worried anyway. I thought, "What if it's his Head Office trying to contact me because something happened?" I immediately imagined receiving a call to tell me that he was in such and such a hospital, and I imagined myself getting the girls out of bed and into the car and driving as fast as I could to get there. I imagined how I'd feel so terrible for having such a horrible afternoon with my daughters while something horrible had been happening to my husband. I felt a heaviness in my stomach. I ended up ringing the unknown number back - something I never do because usually they're just marketers. Turned out it was a charity I donate money to. Still, the heaviness in my stomach was not leaving me and I started wondering if I was over-reacting due to the day's events or if I should seriously be listening to an instinct that had kicked in.

Finally at 8 o'clock L messaged me to tell me he was on his way home. Even though I still had that sick feeling in my stomach, I was relieved and started cooking him his dinner. It wasn't until I saw his car driving down the driveway that the tears came. He walked in the door and I was bawling. He asked what was wrong. I asked him if he'd heard about the death today, he had and asked straight away who it was. The way I was crying, he thought it was someone we knew. I said it wasn't but it was close to home. He held me really tightly and gently for the longest time while I cried and cried and cried into his shoulder. I'm crying even now just writing this. I could never ever lose that man. Ever.

The thing is, there were two deaths at a mine quite a few hours away from here, just about one month ago. That shocked him but I was somewhat unaffected. I realised last night, it's because the deaths were nowhere near me. They were close to home for L because they were in a mine, but for me, they weren't close to home because they were physically so faraway that I couldn't place any context to it. I didn't know anyone who might be affected. I wasn't asked if I knew who it was. Whereas yesterday.... oh my goodness, it's right here! And to me suddenly it's like, well if it can happen right here at this mine, then of course it can happen where my husband works and TO MY HUSBAND!!!!

At the start of the year there was an injury to a guy at L's work where he ended up crushing his finger and he's still not back at work. There was another injury at his work recently where a friend's husband fell back off a machine (not realising he was stepping back off the machine entirely) and fell on the ground, hurting his back and being bruised badly right near his kidneys. Apparently when we first moved here, I told L to stop telling me about all the injuries otherwise I would want to move back home. I don't even remember saying that. And I don't think about the injuries or what could go wrong, because that's not the sort of person I am. But that death really shook that stability. That man was SOMEONE - someone's son, possibly someone's husband and father, someone's mate at the very least. He was someone, just like my own husband is someone. And I am his someone and I could never be the person to lose My Someone. If I ever had to move back home without my husband, it would crush me. I would forever feel guilty for saying Yes to ever coming here. I know that we can all die in the blink of an eye, no matter where we are, and I probably would always find SOME way to feel guilty for his death if he ever did die suddenly and while we're still physically young.... but this...... this is a whole other dimension. It's like... I don't know, somehow the risks seem larger. And I've always known that somehow they are larger here, but I've never thought about it deeply enough.

Even in our sleep last night, he held me so so gently and I cuddled him tightly all night, not wanting to let him go, ever. Of course, he's gone back to work early this morning and here I am, writing about this. I'm not scared about him being at work today because it's a new day - but it's a new day with an awareness that people assume I always carry with me.

I told him last night that if there's one more death near us then I won't want to be here anymore. He completely understood.