I think the most frustrating thing is that I don’t even get to experience manic episodes anymore…which, means I also don’t have psychotic episodes…but it’s pretty one sided.
The antipsychotics I’m on keep me from going manic, but they don’t stop me from being depressed. So I take Wellbutrin to try to offset the depression and lethargy, but that also gives me some pretty serious anxiety…like, the kind of anxiety where I lay awake all night thinking about Yellowstone exploding, or how maybe it was unfair to bring children into this world when it’s probably the end of the world…and like, what happens if I die? I support the whole family. What would they do?
So then they cut back my Wellbutrin, and upped my Hydroxyzine which has sent me into a massive depressive episode…and I’ve been listening to Brand New non-stop for almost a week, which is not helping anything.
I’m not hungry, I’m just tired all the time, but I can’t sleep. I made myself get up and go running a few times, but the last few days I haven’t been able to work up the motivation for that. I know it will help…but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I dunno…and then all this bullshit with the person who was leaving me nasty comments, and the bullshit with my neighbor, and then the real threat of being doxxed on this site, but no motivation to go through my old entries and make them private…or friends only…I don’t even know how to add friends on this thing.
I realized I’m just this curmudgeon at this point in my life. I wake up and walk to the office and start working and then I don’t leave the office until after 5 and then sometimes I just don’t even leave home at all, for days on end. I don’t see anyone except my family, which is great, but I’m starting to realize what a bubble I live in.
On my breaks I surf the internet and find new evidence to back up simulation theory, because life is just so fucking ridiculous right now that there’s no way this is real, and I text my friends about how absurd and stupid everything is, and that’s about the extent of my interactions with my friends.
And I’m having some sort of weird mixed episode, where my meds keep me from really going manic, but I’m having weird manic like thoughts, like…I used to have these mixed episodes where I’d be manic and depressed at the same time and all that would equate to was just AGGRESSIVELY thinking miserable thoughts.
And that’s almost where I’m at right now…like, sometimes it feels like I’m the only player in this game. Like, this is all a simulation, and none of it is real, no one is real…
…and then other times I wonder if maybe I’m just part of the simulation? It’s not too far fetched to believe that I am just highly advanced AI that forgot, somewhere along the line, that I am artificial. But then…who’s the real one? Or is there a group of real ones? Or is this all just an experiment being observed to see what happens when AI learns how to reproduce?
It actually makes a lot of sense to me.
But what do I know?
Maybe I should just delete this diary altogether.
I don’t think I should be on the internet, communicating with anyone or anything else.
I’ve never felt like I was good at belonging anywhere…and now that I’m at this spot where I’m doing all of the normal human activities, it’s just given more clarity to how much I don’t fit anywhere.
At least when I was unmedicated and making music and art and running around the city doing psychotic hoodrat shit it made sense. I kind of felt like I belonged on the streets, doing strange things with strange people, watching the sunrise and sleeping all day.
I guess because I wasn’t acting.
And sometimes now it feels like I’m acting.
Acting like an adult....acting like a dude with a career…acting like a neighbor…acting like someone who works out…acting like someone who’s not a heavily medicated insane person.
Work is hard. I have to really think about everything I say before I say it.
I can’t let the cat out of the bag.
I’m normal, just like all of you.
Mondays, am I right?
How was your weekend?
Did you watch Squid Games? Wow, what a great shared experience.
Look at this meme that’s related to our work in a mildly funny and professional way.
Apple? Yeah, I love apple products. They are definitely still relevant and innovative.
Yeah, I drive a gasoline powered automobile, but I’ll probably trade it in for a Hybrid or an electric car
Yes, I also care about societal constructs.
Capitalism is great, look how much fun we’re all having.
Communism is the answer, look how much capitalism has destroyed the world.
My opinions on cancel culture are the same as yours. I’m just like you. I am a human too. for sure. Definitely a human. I agree.
Island Boys? Yeah, I also love to laugh at them and I am glad they are famous for being terrible and laughed at. That’s what people should be famous for.
Man, covid huh? What’s up with that?
Okay, have a good weekend.