Sometimes The Hardest Thing And The Right Thing Are The Same in Just Moments
- Oct. 31, 2021, 8 p.m.
- |
- Public
~I like rediscovering an old album that I haven’t listened to in ages. Today I decided to listen to How To Save A Life by The Fray. The Fray was actually the first concert that I ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Summerfest 2006. I was 15 and with my brother and a bunch of his friends. This was before I got into the genres of music I mainly listen to now but even now I still think The Fray were talented. Most of their songs sound similar yes, but the lyrics still stand up in my opinion. So as I sit here and listen to this album for the first time in years I’m taken back to a simpler time. I’m about to turn 16 and I was experiencing love for the first time. One of my brother’s friends who was at this concert with me was really into me. I didn’t really know how to deal with that but I liked him too. There was just something about him. He wasn’t particularly good looking, nor the jock, but he was nice at least to me. It was that night that kinda solidified things for us. That was a perfect summer then into the school year. He was a senior and I was a sophomore.
~I remember being consumed by some really strong feelings back then. I remember not being able to really handle them either. A couple years before that I almost committed suicide and still thought about it often. Even though I had someone who loved me, a family that cared about me, a relatively easy life, I still thought about it often. With these strong feelings I just didn’t know to deal with them. Eventually I just couldn’t be with someone while I was trying to figure them out. I broke his heart. And mine. I still loved him. Actually a part of me still does.
~I realize that I still do this. I’m alone mainly by choice currently. I’m sure if I put in the effort I would find someone to love me. But I’m not sure that’s what I want. Some night sure. Others, most, I don’t know. I’ve spent most of my life alone that I’m not sure I would know how to handle being in a long term relationship anymore. But I digress. After high school this guy went into the Marine Corp. Got married at 19 and had two kids shortly after. The last time I had spoken to him at his point was my senior year when he got released from his tour to come home for the birth of his first child. He came to my high school to see me and everyone knew that’s why he was there. He hadn’t fully let me go either. After that we didn’t speak for a few years. Not until his marriage broke apart about 3 years later. I remember him getting my number from my brother in a round about way and we went to dinner a week later. We’ve stayed in touch ever since. A few years ago I thought we might get back together but fate was not in my hands. He’s since met someone and they’ve been together for a couple years now. I haven’t seen him in 4 years now. We talk from time to time but I’ve mostly accepted that he no longer needs me in his life. I’m happy for him but I still wonder what would have happened if I wouldn’t have broken his heart all those years ago. He had a very clear path for himself. He wanted to get married shortly after joining the Marines. I was 16 there was no way I was ready for that. I also knew back then that I didn’t want children and he did. I honestly don’t think we would have stayed together during his deployments as I wasn’t going to give up going to college to be on base with him. My parents would have never allowed that either. But I still wonder.
~Listening to the album that kind of started it all my thoughts drift back to then. And what could have been. It’s strange. We all have these times in our lives. Sometimes I wish there was a simulation that would play out these different scenarios. Just to see what would have happened. Or maybe we’d still be in the same place we are now but just would have taken a different path to get here.
~I will always love him. I’m glad he’s happy. I do know that if I ever needed him he’s only a phone call away. This is comforting. Even though I won’t call him just knowing it’s an option gives me comfort. I do not believe that there is only one person out there for me. I believe that there are many people that could suit me for the rest of my life, but I do know he was one of mine. And tonight my thoughts are on him.
<3
Always Laughing ⋅ October 31, 2021
Bittersweet memories